Emalia had been successful for the better part of a week – keeping Colin in the dark about her pregnancy. It truly did make her feel terrible, knowing that she was keeping a secret about something that deeply involved him - but until she could handle the situation, it would be as it was. "As it was" meant making up false alarms or meetings that took her to Clan Hall, and since he was not yet a Guardian, this afforded her the chance to keep away from him.
Today, however, Colin's pleading face rather caught her off guard. She agreed to take some time off and gingerly sat herself on the couch. "What, ah, did you have in mind?" she asked, almost hoping it would get her free of the dangerous obligation
of being near Colin.
"Well, I don't know. I guess I hadn't exactly planned anything."
"Ah," Emalia replied. Here was her chance to -
"Speaking of planning," Colin interrupted, "had you thought any about a wedding?"
Emalia suddenly found herself stuttering and stumbling over her words. She was not going to be able to evade the question - nor the inevitable outing she would be taking to select a location. Using her magic, she brought them both to Candlekeep, and the path of Roses and Talendars. "Do you like this place or shall we look at some others?" Colin asked, his eyes taken with the beauty of the scene.
"I don't know that I can do this."
"I'm sorry, are you not feeling well?"
"No... no... I mean getting married." And there it was.
"Oh. You... you don't feel ready?"
"I don't believe I am in... in love with you... the way you are with me, and it's not very fair to you to continue on in this way. I'm so sorry Colin. I don't really know what to say. I'm ashamed I hadn't the courage before now to tell you."
The silence was almost as heavy as Emalia's shame. Colin's face was set in a sad yet angry stare directed to the flowers. "I don't know what to do, Emalia. I don't know how to be any more for you."
"It's not anything you can do, Colin. The problem is with me, I accept that."
"I just don't understand, Emalia. I can be your friend, your lover, do everything for you, give everything I have to give yet it still-"
"It isn't a matter of needing more, Colin." Emalia knew she would have to tell him the truth in her heart, no matter the ache it might cause him. "I've just not really ever been able to see you beyond the role of a friend. I've tried... God's know I've tried. I've attempted every night you've been in my bed to see you as my lover, my mate, but... I can't."
"But why, Emalia? What is it? Why can't you tell me?"
"Because... I... don't know."
Colin's sigh crushed Emalia even more, making her feel only inches tall. At this moment, she hated herself. She could only bear to look at the ground because she stood on it. She could barely believe herself, 'I don't know... what a coward,' she thought. "I don't know what to do, Emalia," Colin sighed. "I love you with all my heart. I want nothing more than to be able to spend my life with you. I can give you everything. Love, caring, devotion... hell, probably even a family."
The tail of Colin's sentence dangled precariously in the air. Emalia had had enough of her own cowardice. She had enough of fearing herself and lying. Come what may, she had to let everything out for healing to happen. "Well, about that... I haven't exactly come clean with something I've known about for near a week now."
"What Emalia. What is it?"
"I should simply say, you are capable of creating a family."
Emalia could not see the expression on Colin's face. Indeed, she had turned her back to him. While she could not see, she could hear the stunned emotion in his next question:
"Wait, Emalia... what exactly are you saying?" His hand fell on her shoulder.
"Emalia, you're pregnant?" And Emalia simply nodded.
Only once Colin had turned her to him, could Emalia see how desperately he was quelling the joy within himself. The worry that hung in its place caused Emalia again to lower her eyes in shame. "But... that's a good thing," Colin ventured.
"I mean, a child, a brand new life, one of our own."
"It is a child made of the two of us - yes," Emalia answered. "I have wanted to be a mother, too, but..."
"But not with me."
"Not if I didn't love you as I should, Colin. But that is something I can't change."
"I'm sorry I caused you this burden," Colin spoke.
"No matter what happens between us, I *will* love this child. And I wouldn't in a million years think of keeping you from it, either."
It was in that statement that Emalia saw the sudden change. Colin's eyes opened, and from his stooped position before her, he looked into her eyes, his own pleading. "Emalia, look, you don't have to love me. I do want to be part of our child's life, and your life. Who knows, perhaps in time..."
Emalia realized her mistake... or was it? Did he not have the right to know? Her head was spinning as Colin continued. "Emalia, I can't be without you... especially now that we share this. Don't you feel any attachment to me?"
"Of course I do... we have a child together, but it doesn't fix everything, Colin. It is why I had said nothing yet."
"I know it doesn't, but doesn't it give cause to try?"
"But... I've been trying."
"It's that bad, is it?" Colin replied, hanging his head.
The pillar of self-reliant resolve that was Emalia now crumbled. Inside, her guilt and shame had gotten the better of her. Colin hadn't gotten the opportunity to try, who was to say it might not be different? Who was to say that now there was not something more important than she and her own thoughts? Thus did she give way, though still with little hope. She would once again try, but in a new capacity - expectant mother.
The father of her child, embracing her with the news, lifted her off the ground. "A baby," he said. "I can't believe it."
"Nor can I," Emalia said, allowing herself a little laughter.'We will try,' she thought. 'Heavens and all above, please help me. Please, just help me.' They walked arm in arm, off to celebrate. Finding nothing suitable in town, they headed home for Colin's stew... a family precariously in the making.
