Sanria walked out of Thasmudyan's room and closed the door behind her. She stood in the hallway, Orn's room only a couple doors away, unable to come to grips with what had happened. Part of her understood, for there were times when she looked at Thasmudyan wanting him to be Colin, the other part of her, the greater part of her, was left more confused. The life force that flowed from the healer into her pulled her into him, for a moment, they were one - and she could see lifetimes within him... and herself reflected in more than a couple. She knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that she had loved the man in the guest room, and loved him more fiercely than anyone else. But that was a lifetime ago...
She held her breath as she stood in the hall and her eyes filled with tears. Confusion was a force she had not anticipated, and seeing yourself reflected in the heart of another soul without being able to recall any of it was more than she had bargained for. Part of her wanted to go back in, to slip into his bed, to sleep with this heart she now found herself entwined with like a long lost lover - but that time had passed. With great effort, reminding herself of the present, of her son, of her upcoming child - she pulled herself from the doorway and headed upstairs to the master bedroom.
Sanria told Colin everything... everything except what was going on deep in her heart. She truly had wished it was Colin... some of the time... but to admit to him what she had felt and the terrible trembling in her heart would only have served to break him down further. That was a lifetime ago. She wouldn't be going anywhere. She'd stay with Colin. She had her answer, she had her understanding, and she had more than she'd ever bargained for swirling within her like a tempest.
After many reassurances, the couple laid in bed and Sanria's mind went into overdrive. To make this work, to not let Colin discover the extent of her thoughts, she would have to avoid Thasmudyan until the man left. She couldn't help but realize that she had only made things worse. She was now sitting on a powder keg and Thasmudyan was a flame.
Understanding
"You... still feel that strongly?" Sanria asked, and for a moment, she gave over to a tinge of regret. Colin's fears rang in her mind...
"I'll explain. It's the sort of thing that, since it's shared between two people... whether you feel anything depends a lot on how you go about it. Maybe this other woman who kidnapped Colin was being selfish, and just focused on herself. But if she focused on him, and really loved him.. it'd be harder for him to feel nothing, if that makes sense. As for me, well... I'm just that sort of person who doesn't do things half-assed. If we were to do ...that... I'd want to be sure you enjoyed it."
The implication of the message was not grasped by Sanria. Had she listened, she might have heard the underlying message beneath. Thasmudyan was not Arlenia. But her own nerves rattling kept her from catching what might have slowed her decision.
"I suppose I will just have to accept what he says..."
"It's up to you."
"Well... I came to you with my thoughts and my offer. But if it's asking too much... I understand."
"No... you don't ask too much."
Sanria could feel the desire riding on the connection they still shared from their previous healing encounter. It was hard not to absorb it and mix it with her own. "I don't want to pressure you into anything," Thasmudyan said, as though sensing her mind.
"I didn't want to do the same to you."
"I think you'll find that won't be a problem."
Sanria looked at Thasmudyan, her heart racing. She did not know this man, she did not remember their past together. Had she remembered, she might have avoided being healed. Had she remembered, she might have known what seemed to inevitably follow such times. But - she didn't remember, and that night she found herself with a stranger that her mind didn't know - but her body certainly did.
"I'll explain. It's the sort of thing that, since it's shared between two people... whether you feel anything depends a lot on how you go about it. Maybe this other woman who kidnapped Colin was being selfish, and just focused on herself. But if she focused on him, and really loved him.. it'd be harder for him to feel nothing, if that makes sense. As for me, well... I'm just that sort of person who doesn't do things half-assed. If we were to do ...that... I'd want to be sure you enjoyed it."
The implication of the message was not grasped by Sanria. Had she listened, she might have heard the underlying message beneath. Thasmudyan was not Arlenia. But her own nerves rattling kept her from catching what might have slowed her decision.
"I suppose I will just have to accept what he says..."
"It's up to you."
"Well... I came to you with my thoughts and my offer. But if it's asking too much... I understand."
"No... you don't ask too much."
Sanria could feel the desire riding on the connection they still shared from their previous healing encounter. It was hard not to absorb it and mix it with her own. "I don't want to pressure you into anything," Thasmudyan said, as though sensing her mind.
"I didn't want to do the same to you."
"I think you'll find that won't be a problem."
Sanria looked at Thasmudyan, her heart racing. She did not know this man, she did not remember their past together. Had she remembered, she might have avoided being healed. Had she remembered, she might have known what seemed to inevitably follow such times. But - she didn't remember, and that night she found herself with a stranger that her mind didn't know - but her body certainly did.
Discussions
The observatory was where she found Thasmudyan, staring out over the lands from the large windows. "I... it didn't work," she began.
"How do you know?"
"A woman knows her own body," Sanria said with a chuckle. "Thank you for trying."
"Of course.. you're always welcome."
She studied him for a long moment and could tell that something wasn't right. "I've been.. feeling weaker," he finally told her, and the proposition that Sanria had come to offer suddenly seemed unfair.
"Weaker... from healing me?" she asked.
"Not from you.. just... in general." Thasmudyan shook his head as he looked out the window. "Might be something to do with how long I was in the Lifestream. But, I was fine for a while.. this only started recently."
"Do you think you need to go back?"
"...Maybe."
"I'm not sure where it is, but maybe Colin can help take you back?"
"I know the way. Perhaps I will go another day. For now, though... I am fine, really."
There was no way Sanria could ask him knowing he was weakened. She turned to go and he reached out, setting the butterflies in her stomach loose, "You don't need to go."
"I came up here to talk to you about certain things but you said you hadn't been feeling yourself. I think perhaps it's fate telling me that those things are best left unspoken."
"Don't mistake me. I'm still myself.. just concerned a bit, that's all. You're still welcome to talk about, well, whatever it was you wanted to talk about."
"It was about, well... you said that we'd made pregnancies go faster before by... you know..."
She knew immediately that he had not anticipated what she came to say. "I did... and likely they would..." Thasmudyan recovered.
"I just... I talked to Colin about it and though he doesn't agree... He thinks it might be very unfair to you. And that if my body remembered him... mine might remember you as well." Sanria let out a breathless chuckle. "He's very jealous."
"...I was thinking it'd be unfair to him. He's your husband, after all."
"Right. Unfair... to him," Sanria said, her mind on Arlenia.
"Well, why would he think it's unfair to me?"
"That I would not be able to be with you. To be together that way might raise your expectations."
"Perhaps so. I don't ...expect anything, though."
It suddenly came tumbling from Sanria's mouth - unbidden. The pain and hurt riding side by side with the realization of what she was asking, "He was kidnapped not long before you showed up. To get away from her, he slept with her. I heard them together... I have to know... I have to know if you can do something like that and not love who you do that with. I don't know you... and..." Sanria lowered her head. "I don't understand how you can do something like that and feel nothing, like he says. So I want you to help me understand. Only if you... want to. This is incredibly selfish of me to ask. I just..."
"I don't think it's selfish so much as you simply want to understand."
"Then... what do you think?"
"I think that the problem is that I might want to try and make you feel something."
"How do you know?"
"A woman knows her own body," Sanria said with a chuckle. "Thank you for trying."
"Of course.. you're always welcome."
She studied him for a long moment and could tell that something wasn't right. "I've been.. feeling weaker," he finally told her, and the proposition that Sanria had come to offer suddenly seemed unfair.
"Weaker... from healing me?" she asked.
"Not from you.. just... in general." Thasmudyan shook his head as he looked out the window. "Might be something to do with how long I was in the Lifestream. But, I was fine for a while.. this only started recently."
"Do you think you need to go back?"
"...Maybe."
"I'm not sure where it is, but maybe Colin can help take you back?"
"I know the way. Perhaps I will go another day. For now, though... I am fine, really."
There was no way Sanria could ask him knowing he was weakened. She turned to go and he reached out, setting the butterflies in her stomach loose, "You don't need to go."
"I came up here to talk to you about certain things but you said you hadn't been feeling yourself. I think perhaps it's fate telling me that those things are best left unspoken."
"Don't mistake me. I'm still myself.. just concerned a bit, that's all. You're still welcome to talk about, well, whatever it was you wanted to talk about."
"It was about, well... you said that we'd made pregnancies go faster before by... you know..."
She knew immediately that he had not anticipated what she came to say. "I did... and likely they would..." Thasmudyan recovered.
"I just... I talked to Colin about it and though he doesn't agree... He thinks it might be very unfair to you. And that if my body remembered him... mine might remember you as well." Sanria let out a breathless chuckle. "He's very jealous."
"...I was thinking it'd be unfair to him. He's your husband, after all."
"Right. Unfair... to him," Sanria said, her mind on Arlenia.
"Well, why would he think it's unfair to me?"
"That I would not be able to be with you. To be together that way might raise your expectations."
"Perhaps so. I don't ...expect anything, though."
It suddenly came tumbling from Sanria's mouth - unbidden. The pain and hurt riding side by side with the realization of what she was asking, "He was kidnapped not long before you showed up. To get away from her, he slept with her. I heard them together... I have to know... I have to know if you can do something like that and not love who you do that with. I don't know you... and..." Sanria lowered her head. "I don't understand how you can do something like that and feel nothing, like he says. So I want you to help me understand. Only if you... want to. This is incredibly selfish of me to ask. I just..."
"I don't think it's selfish so much as you simply want to understand."
"Then... what do you think?"
"I think that the problem is that I might want to try and make you feel something."
Old Habits
Sanria chatted with Colin about the healing, noting immediately the drawn look on Colin's face. She knew he didn't like the idea of Thasmudyan touching her in that way, moreso because of the threat to the peace in the cavern. She knew he was afraid of losing her again, but Sanria knew there just wasn't a way it could happen. She wouldn't leave Colin for a man she didn't know.
They chatted then about Colin's jealousies and it brought up her own. How could he be jealous of her? What had she done compared to the night she spent in the hut - listening to him with Arlenia? Still, he could not make her understand just how someone could do that with another person and claim they felt nothing. Even to free themselves. How was it possible?
The idea surrounded the bug that Thasmudyan had inadvertently planted in her mind. She could feel that nothing in her body had changed, even after the healing. She looked at Colin and proposed an idea that even she couldn't believe... she would speed up the pregnancy and be granted the ability to understand. She would sleep with Thasmudyan.
Colin seemed absolutely incredulous and against the idea, no matter how much Sanria positioned the point that she just couldn't understand. She couldn't. She had tried but the night listening to Arlenia and Colin just wouldn't leave. If she didn't gain understanding, she wouldn't be able to keep going. If she couldn't believe Colin, what kind of marriage did they have?
Perhaps understanding would at least buy her time. It would stop the creeping shadow of the wall from overtaking her new life. It would be one less thing eating at her soul, gnawing on her mind. Though Colin refused, he left the choice with her. Though Sanria thought she might not take it, the next day she found herself standing in a room with Thasmudyan, unable to hide her nerves from him.
They chatted then about Colin's jealousies and it brought up her own. How could he be jealous of her? What had she done compared to the night she spent in the hut - listening to him with Arlenia? Still, he could not make her understand just how someone could do that with another person and claim they felt nothing. Even to free themselves. How was it possible?
The idea surrounded the bug that Thasmudyan had inadvertently planted in her mind. She could feel that nothing in her body had changed, even after the healing. She looked at Colin and proposed an idea that even she couldn't believe... she would speed up the pregnancy and be granted the ability to understand. She would sleep with Thasmudyan.
Colin seemed absolutely incredulous and against the idea, no matter how much Sanria positioned the point that she just couldn't understand. She couldn't. She had tried but the night listening to Arlenia and Colin just wouldn't leave. If she didn't gain understanding, she wouldn't be able to keep going. If she couldn't believe Colin, what kind of marriage did they have?
Perhaps understanding would at least buy her time. It would stop the creeping shadow of the wall from overtaking her new life. It would be one less thing eating at her soul, gnawing on her mind. Though Colin refused, he left the choice with her. Though Sanria thought she might not take it, the next day she found herself standing in a room with Thasmudyan, unable to hide her nerves from him.
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