Sanria closed the book and stared at the cover. She sighed heavily and reach- ed out with her mind, "Enmach? Could I speak with you?"
The silvery woman appeared in a moment and gave a small bow. "As you wish."
"Could I ask for your advice?"
"Regarding?"
Here, Sanria hesitated. With a deep breath, she told Enmach everything, and with a saintly patience, the silvery woman listened. At last, when the situa- tion had been relayed, Enmach nodded. "So you have balance when you are here, and chaos when you are at home. If you choose to stay here, you pull apart a family. If you choose to stay there, you are stifled. Why not bring your family here?"
"But... I don't think Colin would be okay. If I leave, he could very well hurt somebody, and I promised him that I wouldn't leave until he was healed."
"I see," Enmach replied thoughtfully. "Have you ever considered you worry too much? That if you weren't so wrapped up in speeding decisions along with regard to Colin, that he would... relax?"
Sanria leaned back with a frown. This consideration had, indeed, escaped her. "No," she replied, "but that doesn't make everything okay. He's scared in a way I've never seen before. Desperate, too. I try to avoid him, hoping that the distance will solve things, but it only-"
"Makes things worse. Tell me," Enmach began, "do you want to be with this other man?"
"We've said we're not marrying again if that's what you mean."
"And you're not interested in being with Colin any longer?"
"Not unless he gets that stuff out of him."
"And then?"
Sanria sighed deeply and ran a hand through her hair. "I don't know, truly. He killed someone who was sick. He knew he might. How do I let go of that?"
"Was it this, substance, that caused him to lose his mind?"
"Yes."
"Which would make him sick also as this other woman was?"
"Yes," Sanria answered with a whisper.
"Then, I expect you have deeper thinking to do regarding your motivations. If I could be bold, you don't seem to have a good reason for staying away other than you feel stifled, but if Colin is healed and you seek nothing from this other man..." Enmach paused as Sanria sank a bit into her chair. "It isn't the advice you wanted to hear, is it?"
Sanria looked up with a small smile. She shook her head slowly, unable to speak. "Then," Enmach said, "I will merely advise that you look deeply into yourself, choose with careful, thoughtful consideration, and make a choice that will enable you to continue your work here as a leader, and there as a family member. Provided you take your time, things will work out."
"Thank you," Sanria managed as Enmach vanished once more.
Seeking Balance
Sanria sat in her office and let out a long exhale. The Rilmani had been very gracious to put her up in such a nice place. All her books were here, as were some of theirs. New things to read, new agendas to discuss, but this day found her pensive. Her days had been spent here within the halls of the newly formed Keepers of Balance. She had conducted interviews and met wonderful new people. The troubles that clouded her thoughts were not here. They were at home.
In the span of a mere couple of weeks, Sanria had watched Thasmudyan attempt to heal Colin and nearly kill him. Consequently, in giving Colin CPR, she had lost the baby she was carrying. When Colin woke from his coma, he was devasta- ted, but not so much as when he found out she had gotten back together with Thasmudyan. Then... Thasmudyan had disappeared again. Without him there to anchor her decisions, Colin had grown intense in his pressure. It was as if a desperation had settled over him, and he had no plans in letting go.
Sanria had finally told Colin of her new venture with the Keepers of Balance, and it immediately sent him into waves of panic. "It's too much," and "Don't you think you should be here with your family?" and "You need to balance things here." She had anticipated such resistance, just not with the intensity that Colin had shown. She discussed the possibility of moving out, staying at the castle and sharing the custody of their children in that way, but the bristling of desperation she saw come over Colin's face stalled her from acting on it.
Now, Sanria sat in her office, letting out another sigh. This place was the only freedom she had to be herself, to devote some time to study, without the shadow of Colin following her. Though she told him she wasn't a prisoner in her home, it wasn't the truth.
Sanria got up and walked to her bookshelf, selecting "The Outlands: A retrospective," and returned to her desk. She opened it and began to read, putting a hand on her stomach. For, through being healed by Thasmudyan, Leandra misplacing her Pennyroyal tea, and pressured by Colin, things were almost back to where they had begun. If she didn't do something soon, Sanria also knew that she would be back there as well. She was trying to stick to her principles, but the pressure was growing too much to bear, and Sanria was beginning to cave.
In the span of a mere couple of weeks, Sanria had watched Thasmudyan attempt to heal Colin and nearly kill him. Consequently, in giving Colin CPR, she had lost the baby she was carrying. When Colin woke from his coma, he was devasta- ted, but not so much as when he found out she had gotten back together with Thasmudyan. Then... Thasmudyan had disappeared again. Without him there to anchor her decisions, Colin had grown intense in his pressure. It was as if a desperation had settled over him, and he had no plans in letting go.
Sanria had finally told Colin of her new venture with the Keepers of Balance, and it immediately sent him into waves of panic. "It's too much," and "Don't you think you should be here with your family?" and "You need to balance things here." She had anticipated such resistance, just not with the intensity that Colin had shown. She discussed the possibility of moving out, staying at the castle and sharing the custody of their children in that way, but the bristling of desperation she saw come over Colin's face stalled her from acting on it.
Now, Sanria sat in her office, letting out another sigh. This place was the only freedom she had to be herself, to devote some time to study, without the shadow of Colin following her. Though she told him she wasn't a prisoner in her home, it wasn't the truth.
Sanria got up and walked to her bookshelf, selecting "The Outlands: A retrospective," and returned to her desk. She opened it and began to read, putting a hand on her stomach. For, through being healed by Thasmudyan, Leandra misplacing her Pennyroyal tea, and pressured by Colin, things were almost back to where they had begun. If she didn't do something soon, Sanria also knew that she would be back there as well. She was trying to stick to her principles, but the pressure was growing too much to bear, and Sanria was beginning to cave.
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