Sanria'd walked for a matter of minutes before heavy and fast footsteps caught up to her. "Where are you going?" Colin asked.
"Why do you ask?"
"Well, it was a little strange for you to just walk off like that. Are you alright?"
"I'm fine," Sanria had answered with a flat voice. "Why don't you go back to the cavern or even Emalia's house and do your waiting."
"Please, talk to me."
"No, it's alright. You really should go back... in case Throm actually returns."
"Sanria, please, don't just leave like this."
"I've done nothing but bring hostility to this whole enterprise. It's best that I take myself and my beliefs far from here... and keep them there. I'm truly not helping anyone... and I haven't been."
Instantly, Colin dismissed this. "Sanria... I can't even tell you how much you have helped me. You have been there for me all through these past few weeks. If it weren't for you I probably would have driven myself crazy."
"I didn't do that. You kept yourself from that insanity. Perhaps by believing in yourself. Believing we'll find her."
"No. I couldn't have had that strength without you there. Not by myself... I'm literally half the man i used to be. I have been counting on you to be that fire, that strength."
Sanria couldn't keep her eyes on Colin any longer. She stared at the ground as he continued. She had only wanted to be wanted. Only wanted to know that someone felt that she was worth sharing with, worth truly loving. Her reality quickly blurred and feelings that never should have risen... did. "I'm not as strong as you believe me to be, Colin." With that, she forced them away, brought back to herself her purpose and goal.
They discussed her trip north and finally, Colin interrupted. "Look, the truth is I need you. If you have no more hope left, let me be the hope. I need you be the fire, the resolve, the anger even."
No no no. NO. Sanria thought. This was not the right feeling. Not in the least. Hearing someone want her... need her... and tell her such a thing...
And so she lay, staring at the opposite wall, back to Colin as he dozed in the chair. She lay there, wondering if she shouldn't try to sneak out and finish herself off. She didn't believe Emalia was going to return. Even if she did, she could only see another Thasmudyan. She didn't believe it... but Colin did... and whatever had possessed her to kiss her own son-in-law... it had driven her nearer to insanity than she had been in a long, long time.
She was guilt-ridden, downtrodden, disgusted with herself, and in a fit of dispair. She knew where her road was headed... yet with Colin on suicide watch as he waited for any word from Throm... there was nothing she could do but suffer every idiotic move she'd ever made. Even with that miniature trespass on her very own daughter, Sanria listened to Colin plead with her... he still needed her. According to him, they all did. She had been designated as the anchor for the sanity of everyone else. She just didn't know how she could keep herself from unraveling.
To the North!
In the following two weeks, she'd heard nothing from Throm. Her heart had churned with anger - but he was no longer her fiance. He needed not to tell her anything. She kept herself busy calling Colin over to do the odd jobs that she needed done... thereby keeping Colin from losing his mind as she had long before.
When Throm had entered the cavern, telling them he was leaving for a while - Sanria finally reached her limits. "Weren't you doing that already?" she snapped. "Or is a while now... perhaps... months? years? decades? Perhaps now you're helping yourself."
"I'm afraid I've never been to where I'm going...though I don't know how much help to myself such a venture will be."
"Hmmm. I'm sure you'll figure something out, Throm. You always do. In the meantime, we'll find my daughter."
Colin looked at Sanria calmingly. "Sanria, please, let's give him a chance to explain." She listened only for as long as it took for Throm to get Colin's hopes up.
"Don't either of you understand?" she pled. "She isn't coming back... not until she's ready... and... that could be years. So we just have to... have to get used to it."
"You resign yourself too easily..." Throm said.
"Yes, and you disappear as frequently." Again Colin broke in, almost frantic. "You may have lost someone but he was dead, Emalia is not! And I cannot give up until she is back."
Sanria stood dumbfounded. She felt as if she had been slapped in the face. Colin seemed to know that his words cut deeply, but even his attempt to comfort wasn't enough. Sanria had broken at last. With a few hostile parting words with Throm, she mounted the steps, entered her house, and burst into tears.
Grabbing a pack, she began throwing meaningless items into it. Quill, parchment, and a spare robe. She didn't know until she had packed where she would head, but she knew why she was leaving. Long ago... well before she had children... she had gone north to freeze to death. It felt a perfect place now to return, and without Thasmudyan around, she could succeed and simply go to sleep.
With a man who vanished, a daughter who not only hated her - but was also gone, a brother missing, a son who loved her only with scattered attendence, a son-in-law that scowled at her every move - Sanria felt the course was the best. She walked out, apologizing to both Throm and Colin, and headed into the woods.
When Throm had entered the cavern, telling them he was leaving for a while - Sanria finally reached her limits. "Weren't you doing that already?" she snapped. "Or is a while now... perhaps... months? years? decades? Perhaps now you're helping yourself."
"I'm afraid I've never been to where I'm going...though I don't know how much help to myself such a venture will be."
"Hmmm. I'm sure you'll figure something out, Throm. You always do. In the meantime, we'll find my daughter."
Colin looked at Sanria calmingly. "Sanria, please, let's give him a chance to explain." She listened only for as long as it took for Throm to get Colin's hopes up.
"Don't either of you understand?" she pled. "She isn't coming back... not until she's ready... and... that could be years. So we just have to... have to get used to it."
"You resign yourself too easily..." Throm said.
"Yes, and you disappear as frequently." Again Colin broke in, almost frantic. "You may have lost someone but he was dead, Emalia is not! And I cannot give up until she is back."
Sanria stood dumbfounded. She felt as if she had been slapped in the face. Colin seemed to know that his words cut deeply, but even his attempt to comfort wasn't enough. Sanria had broken at last. With a few hostile parting words with Throm, she mounted the steps, entered her house, and burst into tears.
Grabbing a pack, she began throwing meaningless items into it. Quill, parchment, and a spare robe. She didn't know until she had packed where she would head, but she knew why she was leaving. Long ago... well before she had children... she had gone north to freeze to death. It felt a perfect place now to return, and without Thasmudyan around, she could succeed and simply go to sleep.
With a man who vanished, a daughter who not only hated her - but was also gone, a brother missing, a son who loved her only with scattered attendence, a son-in-law that scowled at her every move - Sanria felt the course was the best. She walked out, apologizing to both Throm and Colin, and headed into the woods.
Compounding Problems...
Sanria lay in her bed, her back to the steady breathing of Colin, who was sitting in a chair nearby. She had hit another low in her life and all she could wonder is what she could have done to change it.
Two weeks before she lay in bed, she was at the gates of the Jihad compound. She'd woken up at the gates of Throm's vanished house, and knew the only place he'd be was with Grobnak. So she stormed through the gates, entangling the front guards, and ended up for all her troubles, in a holding cell with several bruises on her arms.
But she was right. Throm was there, in the cell beside hers. She was relieved to find him, but worried about the fact that she was in here also nagged at her. The two spoke for what felt like several hours before Grobnak approached her cell door. "Have you calmed yourself, Sinner?"
"I should say so."
"This one attempted to break into the Compound and has personally insulted myself and our entire organization. What would you do with one such as this if they stormed the home of the Guardians?" Grobnak asked Throm.
"A woman after my own heart."
"Just let him out. You can do whatever you need to do to feel justified to me."
"Throm is here of his own accord, Sinner."
"Why then is he locked up?" Sanria barked.
"So that he does not leave with a dangerous substance he has stolen in the past."
Sanria could not see Throm in the next cell, willing Grobnak to shut his mouth, but confusion and sudden curiosity got the better of her. "What? What substance?"
"That is not your concern, Sinner," Grobnak hissed.
"Throm? What is he talking about?"
"All will be explained Sanria...I promise. Now is not the time though."
Another coverup. Another deflection of true purpose. Sanria slid to the ground, not really understanding until several more words had passed that Throm was in the compound seeking more black makou. Her heart, in that moment, froze and she sat with her chin on her knees. She'd put her life on the line to save Throm, only to discover that he had returned to the compound for that evil, vile substance. She felt duped.
She was put out at dawn, after hearing a bit of conversation between Grobnak and Throm... about a book... and then... about dreams. Emalia was in a dream. It gave her hope, and she raced home to share the news.
Two weeks before she lay in bed, she was at the gates of the Jihad compound. She'd woken up at the gates of Throm's vanished house, and knew the only place he'd be was with Grobnak. So she stormed through the gates, entangling the front guards, and ended up for all her troubles, in a holding cell with several bruises on her arms.
But she was right. Throm was there, in the cell beside hers. She was relieved to find him, but worried about the fact that she was in here also nagged at her. The two spoke for what felt like several hours before Grobnak approached her cell door. "Have you calmed yourself, Sinner?"
"I should say so."
"This one attempted to break into the Compound and has personally insulted myself and our entire organization. What would you do with one such as this if they stormed the home of the Guardians?" Grobnak asked Throm.
"A woman after my own heart."
"Just let him out. You can do whatever you need to do to feel justified to me."
"Throm is here of his own accord, Sinner."
"Why then is he locked up?" Sanria barked.
"So that he does not leave with a dangerous substance he has stolen in the past."
Sanria could not see Throm in the next cell, willing Grobnak to shut his mouth, but confusion and sudden curiosity got the better of her. "What? What substance?"
"That is not your concern, Sinner," Grobnak hissed.
"Throm? What is he talking about?"
"All will be explained Sanria...I promise. Now is not the time though."
Another coverup. Another deflection of true purpose. Sanria slid to the ground, not really understanding until several more words had passed that Throm was in the compound seeking more black makou. Her heart, in that moment, froze and she sat with her chin on her knees. She'd put her life on the line to save Throm, only to discover that he had returned to the compound for that evil, vile substance. She felt duped.
She was put out at dawn, after hearing a bit of conversation between Grobnak and Throm... about a book... and then... about dreams. Emalia was in a dream. It gave her hope, and she raced home to share the news.
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