Prime Material

Sanria floated Colin into the bedroom and finally released her spell, dropping him onto the bed. She walked to the other side and lay there looking over at him as he twitched constantly in his sleep. She couldn't know what he was seeing in his fitful dream. She couldn't figure out why she couldn't just love him. If she could have managed that, then she'd be happy. Things would be right. Unfortunately, they weren't. They wouldn't be... for whatever the reason... she and Colin were finished.

He woke and locked his eyes on hers. "Kaliadra, is she... is she okay?"

"I believe she is fine," Sanria said, still laying there looking at him.

"Throm... is..."

"He's fine as well. You apparently went in there and killed his couch before pass- ing out."

She watched as he struggled with this, oblivious to what he had done. He hadn't even been aware of his reaction. "I can't live like this."

"You can," was all Sanria could say in response. He'd have to. She frowned as the next topic of thought crossed her mind. "Colin... I want to take Orn back with me. The place I came from was beautiful."

"Is that where the rose came from?"

Sanria had forgotten the rose that still lay on the table. He had noticed. "Yes. Everything there is like that - beautiful."

"You can't take him from me."

"Colin, if he were raised there he would never hurt, never want for anything - he'd be at perfect peace and perfect balance. When you're there," she said, slipp- ing into her own recollections, "you forget... everything."

"Then take me. Let's all go."

"But, what about your other child?"

"She already plans on raising it alone. Take me to this place."

Sanria looked at Colin, his eyes at once pained and desperate. She didn't know what else to say - did she take him to the place where velentham was and live more of her life with Colin? Did she take him and remain separate? Would it matter if he were there or not? "You can't take him from me," Colin said again.

"Why?" Sanria asked.

"He's my son."

The sigh she let escape her was long. Sanria patted Colin on the shoulder. "Fin- ish getting your rest. I'll stay in the guest rooms."

"No, I'll go - "

"Please. You have my word I'll go nowhere until we've figured this out. I won't take Orn anywhere right now."

"Thank you," Colin said, his eyes grateful and tormented. Sanria rose from the bed and walked from the room. She went to the kitchen and picked up the rose and with a sigh, headed to the guest bedroom to sleep off her own weariness.

Collecting Colin (1-2)

Sanria walked slowly from the kitchen, holding Orn to her chest. The baby boy squirmed surprisingly little, as though he knew something major had happened. He contented himself in listening to his mother's heartbeat as she carried him upstairs. Sanria sat down in the rocking chair in Orn's room. While the motion put the full-bellied baby to sleep, it lulled Sanria's mind back to all the events that had transpired. Once again her tears wetted Orn's hair. Tears for everything.

She didn't know how long she'd been sitting there, soaking Orn's head as she rocked slowly back and forth, over and over. It just came as a surprise when Throm's voice entered her thoughts, "I seem to have acquired some of your property at my home." The necklace?

"Proper...Colin."

Sanria got up and put a spell over Orn to keep him sleeping for a much longer period of time. She wove her spell and ended up in Throm's living room. The couch lay shattered on the floor, beside Colin who also lay on the floor out cold. Above it all stood the smoky projection of Throm. "Hell... I didn't know he was coming. I'm sorry."

"I'm not worried about that. I'm just going to have one hell of a time trying to carry him to his room is all."

"I'll transport him back to the cavern. He's none of your concern, anyhow."

"Are you certain that's the safest idea?" Throm asked.

"I don't believe he'd hurt me or Orn."

"Neither do I to be frank. But he seems pretty worked up."

"Well, it was bound to happen whether he slept with that girl or not," Sanria said with surprisingly little emotion.

She knew that it would have eventually happened. No one can stay in a loveless relationship and even the most faithful in those circumstances could falter. Sanria sat down beside Colin and moved some of his disheveled hair from his face. "He doesn't see just how much that girl loves him and how she could give him so much more than I can." Sanria stood again.

"Between a rock and a hard place it seems. Though you're not blaming him I would hope. Things have been just as...confusing for him I suppose."

"I cannot change what he did, but it is not solely my reason for leaving." San- ria paused. She looked at Throm, her eyes narrowed. "Why am I telling you all this, you don't care."

"You're right," Throm said, motioning to the room. "He just crashed in here, nearly killed Kaliadra and I'm not the least bit curious."

If he was curious, then Sanria would let him have it. What did *she* care?

"You're curious?" Sanria began. "I didn't love him, I couldn't. I tried and I couldn't. Still he kept with me and couldn't see how unhappy I was. And I wouldn't let myself... leave."

"Blind rage, blind love. Perhaps I shall craft a set of glasses?" Throm said.

Sanria let out a sigh and put a hand to her eyes, pressing on them. The pain somehow brought her back to the present. "Oh Throm, please..." With a sigh she dropped her hand and looked plainly at the projection before her. "He finally slept with Arlenia. Got her pregnant, and it's now... the end of Colin and I. I told him what Kaliadra did and..."

"Perhaps you two just need a cool down?"

"No. This is it, Throm," Sanria looked down at Colin, speaking softly. "I stayed in the marriage but I can't do it any longer."

"I guess you'll have to become that cat lady after all," Throm said with a small smile, and the memory of a long gone conversation drifted back into Sanria's mind - she would be the cat lady, Throm would be the cat...

"He wasn't the one I loved..." She stared at the projection for a long moment. Things had changed so much. Before her heart had the chance to react, she looked down to Colin. "Anyway."

"I'm sorry to hear about your child. Again and so soon. Not fair," Throm said.

"... yes. Things happen for a reason, however. In this instance..." Sanria couldn't finish the sentiment. How could she have relief with the fact that she wasn't carrying Colin's child anymore? Shame washed over her for a moment.

"Even the terrible things I suppose," Throm said.

"I'll get him back to the cavern. I'm sorry he broke your couch. I'll get you a new one. And new doors... apparently."

Throm offered to keep Colin at the manor, an idea Sanria felt was foolish. Were Colin to wake up in Throm's home, who was to say what he'd do. She would take him home. "I don't believe this is your problem," Sanria said. Then, a thought occured to her. "Why did you bring me back to this? Remus told me you hired him to bring me... not the necklace." She watched Throm as he uncharacteristically looked about his room, as though thinking.

"If life were as easy as running from your problems, we'd all be the happier for it."

"To teach me a lesson?" Incomprehensible.

"No. I will be teaching no more lessons," Throm said.

"The truth is simply..." Throm paused. "You were taken against your will...I protested in the only way I knew how."

"I just wish Remus would have listened to me." Sanria said it more as a commentary, not expecting any answer. Certainly not expecting:

"And that is why I sent him and not someone else. Someone who would have listened might have faltered in their task."

Sanria didn't know what to think. Why would he want someone not to listen to her? "I didn't want to come back here, Throm. And...," Sanria paused to look down at Colin. "Had I not he might still be okay. Better him think me lost than..."

"I somehow doubt that greatly."

"All I have right now is Orn. I told Remus I'd stay here two weeks so he wouldn't kill Colin." Sanria looked to Throm. "At the end of that time, I'll be contacting those two priests you sent. I think Orn and I might be happier where I was when I was found."

"If you were meant to reside away from the Prime Material, you would have been created there," Throm said with a matter-of-fact tone. It stopped her for a moment - certainly he wasn't telling her no. Why did it matter to him what she did?

"I don't believe it should concern you... outside of you making available my ability to go back if I choose. I was promised that choice," she finally said.

"You are right it's not. And you shall have the choice, I'll see to it myself if need be."

"Thank you."

With another apology for Colin's distruction, Sanria took her leave. She thought briefly for a moment of her cat lady status - she would need a cat... then shook her head. That was a long time ago. Beside that, if she were returning to Velentham with Orn, she wouldn't be alone ever again.

Broken

"You will have your family, Colin... but it won't be with me."

Sanria's words seared in Colin's mind.  It was all crumbling... everything.  Just when he had attained his dream it was falling apart.  But then, had the dream ever been real?  Or was it always just a dream?  He had only wanted them to be happy and together as a family.  But she had never truly been happy, not for more than moments at a time.  Colin hadn't wanted to see that, but deep down, he knew.

"It's all just cruel." he lamented through his pained tears.

"... cruel? I just happen to lose my child and she just happens to give you one... I think that is fate pointing the clear path." Sanria said quietly.

Colin couldn't believe that.  He refused to believe it.  He knew what it was supposed to be.  Him, Sanria, Orn, and their unborn child together, happily.  It was ingrained so deeply within him but now it was all gone.  Their unborn baby dead, the wrong woman pregnant, and Sanria done with the whole thing.  He had lost it all.

Colin could feel the ice cold rage building within him, fueled even more by his grief and guilt, but he could no longer care.  He was lost and hurt more than he thought possible.  He would get answers.  He knew the root of all of this pain. Throm.  It was always Throm.  He was happy before Throm.  He was normal before Throm.  As his vision began to narrow in darkness, he stormed from the kitchen and out of Sanria's home. Colin knew where he had to go.

Colin remembered nothing of his trip to the uth Bannon mannor, fueled the whole way by a frigid rage.  He barely remembered crashing through the front doors, sending them flying into the walls on either side.  Throm was there before him in the living room.  He stood there, like the living embodiment of everything wrong in Colin's life.  Throm tried to talk to Colin but it was all meaningless in his darkened rage.  Colin knew nothing but pain and anger and he wanted it to end. 

"Take it away.  Take it all away.  I can't live like this!"  Release... death... something.  "Do it!!!"

Colin tried to grab Throm but couldn't.  A couch was thrown, crashing into the mantle.  It wasn't enough.  The rage was consuming Colin but he was powerless to stop it.  He had lost too much.
"It's gone... it's all gone."

"You have a son.  Another child on the way.  I beg to differ, now come."

But Throm was wrong.  The sorrow in Colin's soul was overwhelming and the icy anger seemed the only thing keeping him from being crushed by its weight. "The child... is dead.  Kaliadra killed it." Colin's rage flared anew, pushing aside the sorrow.  "Kaliadra!"  He would find her.  He would have his revenge.

In the darkened haze, Kalidra was there.  She was no illusion.  Colin grabbed her and lifted her up as if she were a doll.  She would pay for what she had cost him. But she was crying.  Her tears cut through the frozen rancor consuming Colin's entire being.  It made him pause.  From somewhere, Throm's voice registered, "No need to torment the woman Colin.  If you're going to kill her just go and be done with it.  Fair is fair and you'll probably feel better anyhow."

Throm.  It wasn't Kaliadra who had ruined his life.  It was Throm.  Always Throm. Kaliadra was discarded, and the last thing Colin dimly remembered was turning to Throm.  The cold darkenss within him extinguished all else.  There was only rage, aggression, and murderous intent.  Then, nothing.

Alone Again

Sanria walked into the cavern and closed the door behind her. The familiar smell of home surrounded her, the sound of the fountain, the shafts of sunlight that magically shown down from the ceiling. She looked down to the fountain as though to steady herself and called loudly, "Colin!" From the corner of her eye she saw him appear from the dining room and rush to her, clutching her to him in a hug. She returned it with a mere tenth of the enthusiasm. Any other person would have been delighted to have gotten home, but for Sanria it was all the more of a test- ament to the fact that she was once again back in her cage. That, and any other normal person would have been returning to love - the one thing in the relation- ship that seemed to elude Sanria.

They walked in the kitchen and sitting in a wooden high chair was a baby that wasn't quite as small as he had been when she'd left. Orn already looked the part of a one-year-old, his blonde hair sticking up even more since it had grown. He kicked his legs and bounced in his chair at the sight of his mother, warming San- ria's heart. The picked the boy up and held him to her and the tears came. Tears for missing him, not wanting to come home, for losing yet another child. That - she still had to tell Colin, and with no other way, she stared down at Orn's rosy cheeks as she said, "The other child is no more."

Sanria could hear Colin expel a rush of air. "I'm sorry. This had to happen again..." he whispered.

"Well, it is done," she said quietly. "It cannot be changed." It would just have to be a pain she learned to deal with like all the rest. A task to be managed.

"How were things here?"

"Difficult. With you gone I found it hard to control my emotions at times. Orn helped me though." Of course Sanria knew that Colin had trouble any time she wasn't around. But it did not end there. "There's something else. Arlenia stayed around. She came to visit me, and, well... We were intimate." The revelation tripped Sanria up for a moment, but then another, "The first time I did not intend... she wouldn't stop... and I lost control of myself..."

"There was more than once..." she said in an exhale.

"Sanria, she... she's pregnant. From that first time."

If Sanria could have been smothered under the weight of emotion, it would have happened then. She had not at all expected how bitter the news would make her feel. She had wanted Colin and Arlenia to get together at one time, but she hadn't expected that the girl from the Dark Continent would come to her home while she was absent and end up bedding Colin. "Well..." she began quietly, "I suppose that settles that... I can't blame you, I've not really been a wife to you."

"I never meant for it to happen. I swear Sanria."

"You will have your family, Colin... but it won't be with me. I'm certain she will be very good to you."

"All I wanted was to have your family... for us all to be happy," Colin said through tears. "But you weren't... were you? I couldn't make you happy."

"No... you couldn't..."

"I wish I could.... I so wish I could."

She watched Colin, her own self struggling with how dejected she felt. She hadn't wanted to be with Colin, but she hadn't wanted to feel as worthless as she felt now, staring across the table at him crying. "This isn't what it was supposed to be," Colin said angrily. "It was supposed to be us, our family! Not her, not this!"

"Did you ever think it wasn't?" Sanria asked quietly.

"How long could you have dealt with my unhappiness? Would you have even done this if I were happy? I think you knew, deep inside, you knew."

"I don't know. No. It would have never happened. It should have never happened. It's supposed to be us. US!"

Colin slammed his fist down onto the table and immediately Sanria's thoughts went to Orn. "Colin... don't frighten Orn." Colin rose from the table, sending the chair clattering to the floor. Sanria immediately lifted the startled boy into her arms and watched as Colin knocked into the table as he charged from the room.