My first night aboard this ship was unnerving. What with steps of little feet roaming about the room in preparations for the next day's departure, sleep was far from coming. The enchantments of Escalore would keep me awake for days on end, this I knew...this night I would exercise such a right. Perhaps I might have been a little less unnerving to the gnomes party to the night preparation crew, had I not spent the whole night sitting upon the edge of the bed with my helm on. However being in a new environment I wasn't yet ready to give up the only set of eyes I had just yet.
The dawn had come much faster than I had calculated, and it wasn't long before my hostess carefully entered the room first checking to make sure that clothes were not in short supply upon myself. Chuckling privately at the irony of the statement, I had bid my day to begin. I knew not much of my benefactor Sanria except for the fact that she was heading into territories which had caused her trouble in the past. Quiet and contemplative, she didn't seem to keep much in the way of conversation, leading me to believe that she was more inclined to a thoughtful nature. After naught but a short while, we finally gained the last member of our crew a man by the name of Thasmudyan. A man of frail build, and reserved nature, I found Thasmudyan to be an enigma, though later I would find him a force to be reckoned with. Recounting our voyage to the barren, frigid, and icy wastelands of the north, I remember only the speed at which the vessel owned by Sanria traveled. A journey that might take a conventional ship from days to weeks, took less than a day. Despite the sudden changes that recently have occurred within my life, I still could not help but to marvel at the short duration of our flight. My companions were quiet for most of the journey, but as we approached the territories of Mahn'Tor, we began scouting the ground far below for signs of our target. Finally the shape of a slightly battered, ship appeared as a speck within a field of white. And so it was that we set down a short distance from the derelict vessel in hopes that perhaps the journey upon which we'd found ourselves thrown into had come to a quick resolution. Such a fate was not destined for us however. After a short landing upon Throm's ship we were able to determine that the vessel was devoid of life thanks to the odd abilities which Thasmudyan had began to reveal. Though these findings put the Lady Sanria to worry, I found them to be comforting indeed. Though I have had my differences with our quarry, I had my own private fears that we may well be stumbling into a tomb and would find nothing save a corpse. I am frustrated a bit to say that we did not get far into our travels before we were ambushed by a pack of local minotaur hunters who thought to have stumbled upon a unwitting group of would be slaves. Though we were outnumbered, the hunting party was a group of unorganized ragdolls in comparison to our party. As the red eye haze of battle took hold of me, I found myself wishing nothing more than to use the group of dull witted beasts as examples by cutting down each and every one. A word or two from Thasmudyan disagreed with my notions at this. I normally may have paid no heed to such disagreements and cut apart our attackers, but for a life threatening injury dealt to Sanria in the course of battle.
Gaining that our target may be near an old reactor tower from one of the minotaurs, who was more than eager to crack in exchange for his life our battle was over. Once a safe haven had been established in our former battlegrounds Thasmudyan at once tended to the wound of Sanria, displaying once again his curious abilities. I was relieved to have him as part of the team (a word foreign to myself now for quite some time) as I was little use in the way of tending to wounds in either magical or conventional means. The magic weakened both of them considerably, and though we had made little in the way of foot travel, it was decided to set camp for the night. Electing to stand guard outside the airship, I once again would use Escalore's magic to maintain my vigilance throughout the night.
Little did I know at the time that it was to be this night that those which my comrades might consider enemies would call upon me in peace.
The Awakening
The nurse watched over the halfling boy; the lines in her face drawn with fatigue as she exercised his limbs while he lay sleeping. His sleep seemed untroubled; comfortable, even. Anyone looking in on him for the first time would never know that he hadn't wakened for over a month. The woman who tended to him in her priestly robes moved from moving one leg to the other; lifting the child's bare foot and moving it back so that his leg lifted and his knee lifted up, then back again, repeating the exercise several times before letting out a small sigh.
That girl had brought the child here like this, and she hadn't even bothered to come back since that time. Didn't she care at all? Moving quietly about the room, the accolyte lifted a bowl of water from the floor and dipped a sponge into it. Silently, she lifted the boy's sleeve up and dabbed some water on his arm, then began rubbing soap into his skin before rinsing it off with the sponge. At first, she didn't notice when the boy's fingers twitched just a little.
Then his eyes opened and his hands gestured, "Who are you?"
The woman shrieked and ran from the room, still screaming, as the boy stood weakly from his bed, smiling wanly, and followed after her.
That girl had brought the child here like this, and she hadn't even bothered to come back since that time. Didn't she care at all? Moving quietly about the room, the accolyte lifted a bowl of water from the floor and dipped a sponge into it. Silently, she lifted the boy's sleeve up and dabbed some water on his arm, then began rubbing soap into his skin before rinsing it off with the sponge. At first, she didn't notice when the boy's fingers twitched just a little.
Then his eyes opened and his hands gestured, "Who are you?"
The woman shrieked and ran from the room, still screaming, as the boy stood weakly from his bed, smiling wanly, and followed after her.
A Private Message
Our Emperor Lord Kefka,
May it please you to know that the Jenovese hereby offer our support in your rightful claim over the town of Westbridge. As loyal servants of The Apprentice, we feel it is our duty to offer arms and guardsmen in support of the defense of Westbridge against the pretentious Pax Faerunis and their allies.
Though the strength of your forces suggest that you are not in need of our humble supplies, what we can offer you is a secure and remote base from which to run your operations. All that we would ask in return is shared access to munitions and military apparatuses with which you operate.
Rumor would suggest that your wealth is great, so we cannot imagine that this arrangement would be of detriment to you, and one can never underestimate the value of a covert base in a war such as is sure to follow recent events. You may not need us, but we can certainly be of service to you.
If you should agree to this arrangement, you need only look to the RoK above and swear your allegiance to The Apprentice. We will seek you out after.
Ever Your Humble Servants,
The Jihad
May it please you to know that the Jenovese hereby offer our support in your rightful claim over the town of Westbridge. As loyal servants of The Apprentice, we feel it is our duty to offer arms and guardsmen in support of the defense of Westbridge against the pretentious Pax Faerunis and their allies.
Though the strength of your forces suggest that you are not in need of our humble supplies, what we can offer you is a secure and remote base from which to run your operations. All that we would ask in return is shared access to munitions and military apparatuses with which you operate.
Rumor would suggest that your wealth is great, so we cannot imagine that this arrangement would be of detriment to you, and one can never underestimate the value of a covert base in a war such as is sure to follow recent events. You may not need us, but we can certainly be of service to you.
If you should agree to this arrangement, you need only look to the RoK above and swear your allegiance to The Apprentice. We will seek you out after.
Ever Your Humble Servants,
The Jihad
Nagging thoughts
Colin had a contented smile on his face as he sat at the edge of the water, looking out across the still water of the lake behind their house. "Correction," he told himself, "Emalia's house." Well, that was true, but he had living here with her for several months. And that was part of what gave him his smile.
He felt he practically had it all. He was now part of a clan, living with the beautiful woman he loved, and they were going to have a child. Little Brin, growing inside Emalia. They were going to have a daughter and that would most certainly bring them closer.
Yet his smile waned. He just couldn't shake that little nagging voice in the back of his mind, telling him "But she still doesn't love you." It was true. Colin knew it, she had told him so herself. But she was trying. That was the important part. He just had to be understanding, to be here for her. Sooner or later she would come to love him as he did her. "Yes, but how much later?" his mind wondered, "And in the meantime what exactly is she really doing when she spends that time alone?"
More and more often he found himself drawn to just that thought. "Had she found someone else? Even if she hadn't, how long before she might?" Colin's eyes fell to the rocky beach he sat upon, his smile now replaced with a frown. Why couldn't he shake these thoughts? "But after all, aren't they valid questions? Really, why would she have suggested breaking their engagement anyway?"
Colin gave a frustrated sigh and shook his head to try and clear his funk. Why dwell on these things. After all, it's not like he was going to confront Emalia about them. It would only serve to distance her from him and that was the last thing he wanted. He just had to fight these insecurities by doing everything he could for her. Eventually she would grow to love him, she just had to.
"Sure, you just keep telling yourself that."
He felt he practically had it all. He was now part of a clan, living with the beautiful woman he loved, and they were going to have a child. Little Brin, growing inside Emalia. They were going to have a daughter and that would most certainly bring them closer.
Yet his smile waned. He just couldn't shake that little nagging voice in the back of his mind, telling him "But she still doesn't love you." It was true. Colin knew it, she had told him so herself. But she was trying. That was the important part. He just had to be understanding, to be here for her. Sooner or later she would come to love him as he did her. "Yes, but how much later?" his mind wondered, "And in the meantime what exactly is she really doing when she spends that time alone?"
More and more often he found himself drawn to just that thought. "Had she found someone else? Even if she hadn't, how long before she might?" Colin's eyes fell to the rocky beach he sat upon, his smile now replaced with a frown. Why couldn't he shake these thoughts? "But after all, aren't they valid questions? Really, why would she have suggested breaking their engagement anyway?"
Colin gave a frustrated sigh and shook his head to try and clear his funk. Why dwell on these things. After all, it's not like he was going to confront Emalia about them. It would only serve to distance her from him and that was the last thing he wanted. He just had to fight these insecurities by doing everything he could for her. Eventually she would grow to love him, she just had to.
"Sure, you just keep telling yourself that."
A Study in the Way of The World
The Uktar air was crisp as Emalia walked toward Market Square. She had gotten herself out of the house, again with a white lie about needing to visit clan hall. "I'm going to have to do better than that," she thought. "Really." She took in a deep breath, thinking over her recent life changes, when the sign hanging up on Main Street, well, what was Main Street, caught her attention. "Main Street, Kefkaburg" it read. "What in the world..." Emalia continued on until reaching Market Square.
"Without others to rally to our cause, this may all be for naught..." The man who spoke the words had a golden hue to his skin and a pair of wings that caught Emalia off guard for a moment.
"I am a bit disturbed by this, profound number they seem to yield." This man Emalia knew as Sir Epson, a member of her own clan. Seeing the sign in the center of the square asking for taxes, as well as the renamed streets, Emalia ventured to ask what had been going on. "This is the work of the Vectorians," Epson stated.
Emalia knew very little of the Vectorians, and nothing at all of Kefka, but when Epson spoke of the collection of unborn children in exchange for taxes unpaid - it was all she could bear.
"Has no one begun a resistance?" Emalia asked.
"We have repulsed the attempts to obtain tax money thus far," spoke an Elven man.
"We have been doing what we can," Epson spoke, "Sammian, Khyron, Fflar, and I to stop their little waves here and there."
"I assume you two are Sammian and Khyron?" Emalia asked, looking from the winged man to the elven one. With this correct affirmation, introductions were made shortly before Jayden walked into the square.
A small surge of happiness overcame Emalia as she rushed to the man she called Grandfather, but the conversation that resumed sent Emalia into a bit of a depression. Jayden wanted for prayer and faith to resolve the problems. Epson, Khyron, and Sammian wanted some sort of action - though the more Emalia listened, the less convinced she became that they had a clear idea of exactly what to do. In fact, the more she listened to the conversation and the immortal power held by Kefka and the ruthlessness of both he and his followers, the less Emalia felt there was anything to be done.
"Perhaps... we should just pay them... perhaps if we just pool together money, they'll leave," Emalia suggested.
"That is not an option! They will return for more and more," Epson retorted.
"Hmm," Sammian began, "Faith, might provide the resolution we need to calm the masses."
Again with faith, thought Emalia. Faith obviously would not be enough for this wild man. "Sir Epson... what other option do we have? If we don't, have they not threatened to kill? Platinum is nothing compared to life."
"Give an inch and they will take a foot, Emalia. It's what they desire. You cannot honestly think they will stop once they are paid? Because I know differently."
"I would prefer death to life under the rule of that tyrant," Khyron said.
Emalia sat quietly, her mind ticking as the others spoke. She would not allow anyone to take her unborn child, nor would she allow anyone to harm those she cared for. She had heard Jayden's words on faith, prayer, and meditation - but she also knew from her own travels that faith, prayer, and meditation wouldn't stop an orc from slaying you if given the chance, nor stop the RoK in the sky. It was this thought that made her think of Grobnak, and the spies that once had followed her. She thought of the murders that had been committed by necessity, and it dawned on her that this was necessity. "I suppose, then, there will have to be death to prevent death. Perhaps... done in a subversive manner."
To speak of such a thing was unnerving to Emalia, but the knowledge of her child being in danger from a mad man, the knowledge of her family - both Jihad and Guardian - being subject to such torments had driven her to consider darker measures. "I could speak to Grobnak, he has many that engage in such... actions." Emalia lowered her head, detesting the fact she could even speak such words. "If they are assassinated... they can't lead... right?"
"We have no need to turn to Jihad," Khyron objected.
"I am of Jihad," Emalia answered softly. "Besides, something must be done. I am not one to wish death for any, but if we have nothing else but to wait on these vultures to pick off everyone around us, what other choice is there? The God's won't fight our petty battles for us. History is evidence of that."
"Why bother fighting Vector when the city would be destroyed by the RoK anyway?" said Khyron.
"Because, Sir Khyron," Emalia spoke calmly, "that will not bring about the rebirth of the Apprentice."
"Though we may not see eye to eye in terms of faith, we are all threatened by this tyranny," Sammian said.
"At any rate, if the Jihad become involved to stop Kefka... would you refuse the aid?" Emalia asked.
"Nay," said Sammian, "we need all the assistance we can muster."
It was settled in Emalia's mind. She would go to the compound and find Grobnak. She'd face him and talk to him and attempt to get the Jihad to help quell the Vectorian forces. The remaining group scattered at the spotting of a Vectorian Bomb, and Emalia cast a spell, landing her at the Compound gates.
She rushed to the chapel and down the stairs, but as she ran, something slowed her down. On her way to Grobnak's office were tapestries and portraits. Jenova's history was here, as well as some of the snarling and smiling faces of Jihad past and present. For reasons unknown they slowed her, but still, she walked on.
Knocking on Grobnak's door met her with no answer. She cracked the door and looked inside. No one. Though she had been in the room other times, she had not really noticed the tapestries that hung here, too. Jenovese and Talosians fighting battles and destroying their opposition. Quickly, Emalia reached into her pack and pulled forth a book given her long ago by Grobnak. She thumbed through a few of the pages until her eyes rested on a passage that read:
"The Vectorian Empire:
Though their bigotry toward espers is despicable, this empire seems the most likely resource to grant us the technology we need to overcome our foes. Convert them when you can. Destroy only those you must. Treat themas you would an ally, but never turn your back on them,or you will discover their treacherous ways."
Emalia slowly closed her book and sat heavily in the chair in Grobnak's office. She leaned her head on the back of the seat and looked upward to the ceiling and closed her eyes. She suddenly had the answer to any Jihad rising up against the Vectorians... and the book held the clearest warning she had regarding this takeover. For the first time, Emalia was afraid. For the first time, she saw just how opposing her loyalties were. For the millionth time, she found herself wondering... "What now?"
"Without others to rally to our cause, this may all be for naught..." The man who spoke the words had a golden hue to his skin and a pair of wings that caught Emalia off guard for a moment.
"I am a bit disturbed by this, profound number they seem to yield." This man Emalia knew as Sir Epson, a member of her own clan. Seeing the sign in the center of the square asking for taxes, as well as the renamed streets, Emalia ventured to ask what had been going on. "This is the work of the Vectorians," Epson stated.
Emalia knew very little of the Vectorians, and nothing at all of Kefka, but when Epson spoke of the collection of unborn children in exchange for taxes unpaid - it was all she could bear.
"Has no one begun a resistance?" Emalia asked.
"We have repulsed the attempts to obtain tax money thus far," spoke an Elven man.
"We have been doing what we can," Epson spoke, "Sammian, Khyron, Fflar, and I to stop their little waves here and there."
"I assume you two are Sammian and Khyron?" Emalia asked, looking from the winged man to the elven one. With this correct affirmation, introductions were made shortly before Jayden walked into the square.
A small surge of happiness overcame Emalia as she rushed to the man she called Grandfather, but the conversation that resumed sent Emalia into a bit of a depression. Jayden wanted for prayer and faith to resolve the problems. Epson, Khyron, and Sammian wanted some sort of action - though the more Emalia listened, the less convinced she became that they had a clear idea of exactly what to do. In fact, the more she listened to the conversation and the immortal power held by Kefka and the ruthlessness of both he and his followers, the less Emalia felt there was anything to be done.
"Perhaps... we should just pay them... perhaps if we just pool together money, they'll leave," Emalia suggested.
"That is not an option! They will return for more and more," Epson retorted.
"Hmm," Sammian began, "Faith, might provide the resolution we need to calm the masses."
Again with faith, thought Emalia. Faith obviously would not be enough for this wild man. "Sir Epson... what other option do we have? If we don't, have they not threatened to kill? Platinum is nothing compared to life."
"Give an inch and they will take a foot, Emalia. It's what they desire. You cannot honestly think they will stop once they are paid? Because I know differently."
"I would prefer death to life under the rule of that tyrant," Khyron said.
Emalia sat quietly, her mind ticking as the others spoke. She would not allow anyone to take her unborn child, nor would she allow anyone to harm those she cared for. She had heard Jayden's words on faith, prayer, and meditation - but she also knew from her own travels that faith, prayer, and meditation wouldn't stop an orc from slaying you if given the chance, nor stop the RoK in the sky. It was this thought that made her think of Grobnak, and the spies that once had followed her. She thought of the murders that had been committed by necessity, and it dawned on her that this was necessity. "I suppose, then, there will have to be death to prevent death. Perhaps... done in a subversive manner."
To speak of such a thing was unnerving to Emalia, but the knowledge of her child being in danger from a mad man, the knowledge of her family - both Jihad and Guardian - being subject to such torments had driven her to consider darker measures. "I could speak to Grobnak, he has many that engage in such... actions." Emalia lowered her head, detesting the fact she could even speak such words. "If they are assassinated... they can't lead... right?"
"We have no need to turn to Jihad," Khyron objected.
"I am of Jihad," Emalia answered softly. "Besides, something must be done. I am not one to wish death for any, but if we have nothing else but to wait on these vultures to pick off everyone around us, what other choice is there? The God's won't fight our petty battles for us. History is evidence of that."
"Why bother fighting Vector when the city would be destroyed by the RoK anyway?" said Khyron.
"Because, Sir Khyron," Emalia spoke calmly, "that will not bring about the rebirth of the Apprentice."
"Though we may not see eye to eye in terms of faith, we are all threatened by this tyranny," Sammian said.
"At any rate, if the Jihad become involved to stop Kefka... would you refuse the aid?" Emalia asked.
"Nay," said Sammian, "we need all the assistance we can muster."
It was settled in Emalia's mind. She would go to the compound and find Grobnak. She'd face him and talk to him and attempt to get the Jihad to help quell the Vectorian forces. The remaining group scattered at the spotting of a Vectorian Bomb, and Emalia cast a spell, landing her at the Compound gates.
She rushed to the chapel and down the stairs, but as she ran, something slowed her down. On her way to Grobnak's office were tapestries and portraits. Jenova's history was here, as well as some of the snarling and smiling faces of Jihad past and present. For reasons unknown they slowed her, but still, she walked on.
Knocking on Grobnak's door met her with no answer. She cracked the door and looked inside. No one. Though she had been in the room other times, she had not really noticed the tapestries that hung here, too. Jenovese and Talosians fighting battles and destroying their opposition. Quickly, Emalia reached into her pack and pulled forth a book given her long ago by Grobnak. She thumbed through a few of the pages until her eyes rested on a passage that read:
"The Vectorian Empire:
Though their bigotry toward espers is despicable, this empire seems the most likely resource to grant us the technology we need to overcome our foes. Convert them when you can. Destroy only those you must. Treat themas you would an ally, but never turn your back on them,or you will discover their treacherous ways."
Emalia slowly closed her book and sat heavily in the chair in Grobnak's office. She leaned her head on the back of the seat and looked upward to the ceiling and closed her eyes. She suddenly had the answer to any Jihad rising up against the Vectorians... and the book held the clearest warning she had regarding this takeover. For the first time, Emalia was afraid. For the first time, she saw just how opposing her loyalties were. For the millionth time, she found herself wondering... "What now?"
When the truth hurts
Emalia had been successful for the better part of a week – keeping Colin in the dark about her pregnancy. It truly did make her feel terrible, knowing that she was keeping a secret about something that deeply involved him - but until she could handle the situation, it would be as it was. "As it was" meant making up false alarms or meetings that took her to Clan Hall, and since he was not yet a Guardian, this afforded her the chance to keep away from him.
Today, however, Colin's pleading face rather caught her off guard. She agreed to take some time off and gingerly sat herself on the couch. "What, ah, did you have in mind?" she asked, almost hoping it would get her free of the dangerous obligation
of being near Colin.
"Well, I don't know. I guess I hadn't exactly planned anything."
"Ah," Emalia replied. Here was her chance to -
"Speaking of planning," Colin interrupted, "had you thought any about a wedding?"
Emalia suddenly found herself stuttering and stumbling over her words. She was not going to be able to evade the question - nor the inevitable outing she would be taking to select a location. Using her magic, she brought them both to Candlekeep, and the path of Roses and Talendars. "Do you like this place or shall we look at some others?" Colin asked, his eyes taken with the beauty of the scene.
"I don't know that I can do this."
"I'm sorry, are you not feeling well?"
"No... no... I mean getting married." And there it was.
"Oh. You... you don't feel ready?"
"I don't believe I am in... in love with you... the way you are with me, and it's not very fair to you to continue on in this way. I'm so sorry Colin. I don't really know what to say. I'm ashamed I hadn't the courage before now to tell you."
The silence was almost as heavy as Emalia's shame. Colin's face was set in a sad yet angry stare directed to the flowers. "I don't know what to do, Emalia. I don't know how to be any more for you."
"It's not anything you can do, Colin. The problem is with me, I accept that."
"I just don't understand, Emalia. I can be your friend, your lover, do everything for you, give everything I have to give yet it still-"
"It isn't a matter of needing more, Colin." Emalia knew she would have to tell him the truth in her heart, no matter the ache it might cause him. "I've just not really ever been able to see you beyond the role of a friend. I've tried... God's know I've tried. I've attempted every night you've been in my bed to see you as my lover, my mate, but... I can't."
"But why, Emalia? What is it? Why can't you tell me?"
"Because... I... don't know."
Colin's sigh crushed Emalia even more, making her feel only inches tall. At this moment, she hated herself. She could only bear to look at the ground because she stood on it. She could barely believe herself, 'I don't know... what a coward,' she thought. "I don't know what to do, Emalia," Colin sighed. "I love you with all my heart. I want nothing more than to be able to spend my life with you. I can give you everything. Love, caring, devotion... hell, probably even a family."
The tail of Colin's sentence dangled precariously in the air. Emalia had had enough of her own cowardice. She had enough of fearing herself and lying. Come what may, she had to let everything out for healing to happen. "Well, about that... I haven't exactly come clean with something I've known about for near a week now."
"What Emalia. What is it?"
"I should simply say, you are capable of creating a family."
Emalia could not see the expression on Colin's face. Indeed, she had turned her back to him. While she could not see, she could hear the stunned emotion in his next question:
"Wait, Emalia... what exactly are you saying?" His hand fell on her shoulder.
"Emalia, you're pregnant?" And Emalia simply nodded.
Only once Colin had turned her to him, could Emalia see how desperately he was quelling the joy within himself. The worry that hung in its place caused Emalia again to lower her eyes in shame. "But... that's a good thing," Colin ventured.
"I mean, a child, a brand new life, one of our own."
"It is a child made of the two of us - yes," Emalia answered. "I have wanted to be a mother, too, but..."
"But not with me."
"Not if I didn't love you as I should, Colin. But that is something I can't change."
"I'm sorry I caused you this burden," Colin spoke.
"No matter what happens between us, I *will* love this child. And I wouldn't in a million years think of keeping you from it, either."
It was in that statement that Emalia saw the sudden change. Colin's eyes opened, and from his stooped position before her, he looked into her eyes, his own pleading. "Emalia, look, you don't have to love me. I do want to be part of our child's life, and your life. Who knows, perhaps in time..."
Emalia realized her mistake... or was it? Did he not have the right to know? Her head was spinning as Colin continued. "Emalia, I can't be without you... especially now that we share this. Don't you feel any attachment to me?"
"Of course I do... we have a child together, but it doesn't fix everything, Colin. It is why I had said nothing yet."
"I know it doesn't, but doesn't it give cause to try?"
"But... I've been trying."
"It's that bad, is it?" Colin replied, hanging his head.
The pillar of self-reliant resolve that was Emalia now crumbled. Inside, her guilt and shame had gotten the better of her. Colin hadn't gotten the opportunity to try, who was to say it might not be different? Who was to say that now there was not something more important than she and her own thoughts? Thus did she give way, though still with little hope. She would once again try, but in a new capacity - expectant mother.
The father of her child, embracing her with the news, lifted her off the ground. "A baby," he said. "I can't believe it."
"Nor can I," Emalia said, allowing herself a little laughter.'We will try,' she thought. 'Heavens and all above, please help me. Please, just help me.' They walked arm in arm, off to celebrate. Finding nothing suitable in town, they headed home for Colin's stew... a family precariously in the making.
Today, however, Colin's pleading face rather caught her off guard. She agreed to take some time off and gingerly sat herself on the couch. "What, ah, did you have in mind?" she asked, almost hoping it would get her free of the dangerous obligation
of being near Colin.
"Well, I don't know. I guess I hadn't exactly planned anything."
"Ah," Emalia replied. Here was her chance to -
"Speaking of planning," Colin interrupted, "had you thought any about a wedding?"
Emalia suddenly found herself stuttering and stumbling over her words. She was not going to be able to evade the question - nor the inevitable outing she would be taking to select a location. Using her magic, she brought them both to Candlekeep, and the path of Roses and Talendars. "Do you like this place or shall we look at some others?" Colin asked, his eyes taken with the beauty of the scene.
"I don't know that I can do this."
"I'm sorry, are you not feeling well?"
"No... no... I mean getting married." And there it was.
"Oh. You... you don't feel ready?"
"I don't believe I am in... in love with you... the way you are with me, and it's not very fair to you to continue on in this way. I'm so sorry Colin. I don't really know what to say. I'm ashamed I hadn't the courage before now to tell you."
The silence was almost as heavy as Emalia's shame. Colin's face was set in a sad yet angry stare directed to the flowers. "I don't know what to do, Emalia. I don't know how to be any more for you."
"It's not anything you can do, Colin. The problem is with me, I accept that."
"I just don't understand, Emalia. I can be your friend, your lover, do everything for you, give everything I have to give yet it still-"
"It isn't a matter of needing more, Colin." Emalia knew she would have to tell him the truth in her heart, no matter the ache it might cause him. "I've just not really ever been able to see you beyond the role of a friend. I've tried... God's know I've tried. I've attempted every night you've been in my bed to see you as my lover, my mate, but... I can't."
"But why, Emalia? What is it? Why can't you tell me?"
"Because... I... don't know."
Colin's sigh crushed Emalia even more, making her feel only inches tall. At this moment, she hated herself. She could only bear to look at the ground because she stood on it. She could barely believe herself, 'I don't know... what a coward,' she thought. "I don't know what to do, Emalia," Colin sighed. "I love you with all my heart. I want nothing more than to be able to spend my life with you. I can give you everything. Love, caring, devotion... hell, probably even a family."
The tail of Colin's sentence dangled precariously in the air. Emalia had had enough of her own cowardice. She had enough of fearing herself and lying. Come what may, she had to let everything out for healing to happen. "Well, about that... I haven't exactly come clean with something I've known about for near a week now."
"What Emalia. What is it?"
"I should simply say, you are capable of creating a family."
Emalia could not see the expression on Colin's face. Indeed, she had turned her back to him. While she could not see, she could hear the stunned emotion in his next question:
"Wait, Emalia... what exactly are you saying?" His hand fell on her shoulder.
"Emalia, you're pregnant?" And Emalia simply nodded.
Only once Colin had turned her to him, could Emalia see how desperately he was quelling the joy within himself. The worry that hung in its place caused Emalia again to lower her eyes in shame. "But... that's a good thing," Colin ventured.
"I mean, a child, a brand new life, one of our own."
"It is a child made of the two of us - yes," Emalia answered. "I have wanted to be a mother, too, but..."
"But not with me."
"Not if I didn't love you as I should, Colin. But that is something I can't change."
"I'm sorry I caused you this burden," Colin spoke.
"No matter what happens between us, I *will* love this child. And I wouldn't in a million years think of keeping you from it, either."
It was in that statement that Emalia saw the sudden change. Colin's eyes opened, and from his stooped position before her, he looked into her eyes, his own pleading. "Emalia, look, you don't have to love me. I do want to be part of our child's life, and your life. Who knows, perhaps in time..."
Emalia realized her mistake... or was it? Did he not have the right to know? Her head was spinning as Colin continued. "Emalia, I can't be without you... especially now that we share this. Don't you feel any attachment to me?"
"Of course I do... we have a child together, but it doesn't fix everything, Colin. It is why I had said nothing yet."
"I know it doesn't, but doesn't it give cause to try?"
"But... I've been trying."
"It's that bad, is it?" Colin replied, hanging his head.
The pillar of self-reliant resolve that was Emalia now crumbled. Inside, her guilt and shame had gotten the better of her. Colin hadn't gotten the opportunity to try, who was to say it might not be different? Who was to say that now there was not something more important than she and her own thoughts? Thus did she give way, though still with little hope. She would once again try, but in a new capacity - expectant mother.
The father of her child, embracing her with the news, lifted her off the ground. "A baby," he said. "I can't believe it."
"Nor can I," Emalia said, allowing herself a little laughter.'We will try,' she thought. 'Heavens and all above, please help me. Please, just help me.' They walked arm in arm, off to celebrate. Finding nothing suitable in town, they headed home for Colin's stew... a family precariously in the making.
Dawnbringer
Emalia knew it right when it happened. When someone partially constructed of lifeforce is suddenly embued with more life, the sensation is immediate: all the power felt from before is slightly stronger life running through the veins is duplicative. Already, the life energy that will become "child" is wound in delicate balance with that of its mother, each now dependent on one another for the progression of life and of generations. Emalia had become more by sheer merit of what she was -she was no longer just herself, she was simply more. By virtue of her ability, her lifeforce could now be felt plumbing the depths of every single living thing that shared it. She had given live to Colin; brought back what death had once taken, shifted the antithetical unshiftable tandem of order, restarted once more that which was stilled by death's touch. She had been a conduit for life, and that being who supped at her banquet had helped bring into existence something - someone – completely new... part of her, part of him, entirely of life.
She rolled over, staring at the man who now slept by her side, and wept. Her tears were not those of joy, but those roused by the knowledge that she was going to bring a child into the world sired by a man whom she did not love. No matter how hard she tried. She could see him as a friend, even as a friend she could sleep with, but as a lover, a confidant, a husband... a father... she could not. It was not an issue of there being anyone else - she did not love another. The truth was that he was not natural - though this she still had yet to determine with accuracy. Since they had begun their relationship, he was dead, now he was not, but then who was he? These questions she did not ask - though their coming was being heralded by the confusion that surrounded the paradox. For this moment in time, Emalia only knew that she didn't know. Why could she not fall in love with Colin?
Emalia's thoughts then shifted to Nephesh. She had not seen the boy since her encounter with Grobnak. She'd had no contact with either of them and she began to wonder about the boy she secretly held as her own son. She knew she would have to arrange to see him soon. After all, baby or none, Emalia still had a mission to see through to completion. Not even a child would stop her from seeking the Balefire Mountains.
Colin's movement brought her back to the moment and the changes already taking place in her body. There was one thing this child would do, and that would be to prevent her from leaving. If Colin knew... and then the thought hit her in the dark of her room; he wouldn't know. She slid her hand to her still flat stomach and took a deep breath. Once she had talked to him and broken off their engagement she would tell him. He would be welcome into the child's life and she would not have to pretend. She would just have to be certain to keep busy until working up the nerve to tell him - about both things.
She rolled over, staring at the man who now slept by her side, and wept. Her tears were not those of joy, but those roused by the knowledge that she was going to bring a child into the world sired by a man whom she did not love. No matter how hard she tried. She could see him as a friend, even as a friend she could sleep with, but as a lover, a confidant, a husband... a father... she could not. It was not an issue of there being anyone else - she did not love another. The truth was that he was not natural - though this she still had yet to determine with accuracy. Since they had begun their relationship, he was dead, now he was not, but then who was he? These questions she did not ask - though their coming was being heralded by the confusion that surrounded the paradox. For this moment in time, Emalia only knew that she didn't know. Why could she not fall in love with Colin?
Emalia's thoughts then shifted to Nephesh. She had not seen the boy since her encounter with Grobnak. She'd had no contact with either of them and she began to wonder about the boy she secretly held as her own son. She knew she would have to arrange to see him soon. After all, baby or none, Emalia still had a mission to see through to completion. Not even a child would stop her from seeking the Balefire Mountains.
Colin's movement brought her back to the moment and the changes already taking place in her body. There was one thing this child would do, and that would be to prevent her from leaving. If Colin knew... and then the thought hit her in the dark of her room; he wouldn't know. She slid her hand to her still flat stomach and took a deep breath. Once she had talked to him and broken off their engagement she would tell him. He would be welcome into the child's life and she would not have to pretend. She would just have to be certain to keep busy until working up the nerve to tell him - about both things.
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