"Sanria, I don't think this is a joking matter," Gilean said.
For the first time in a while, both men looked to be in agreement. It motivated Sanria even more to keep up the ruse. The deflation of tension was a blessed relief. "There is no other way out of this without one of you harming the other more than has already been done with your words and actions. So, you want to force my hand, you've done it. This is what we will do. I've tried it the way both of you have begged me to, and it's not working."
"You are serious?" Gilean asked in a halting voice.
"This... will work. You two will have to become friends once more and learn to trust one another again." She walked to the fountain in the foyer and sat on its edge. "Please, by all means, if you know of another way that the two of you can live with and not slay one another, offer it up. Either that, or someone backs down and lets go of their own will, not by force."
Honestly, Sanria sat with all intention of this being the breaking point. This would be what solved the problem because one of them would certainly back down and let go. The men seemed perplexed, questioning her, trying to push her from the absolute center in which she'd placed herself. She wasn't about to budge. She'd tried choosing, no one listened. Now, the choice was theirs. And if they didn't choose, she'd leave them both.
Then, Gilean spoke. "I'll accept this... proposition of us all living together." Sanria barely caught her mouth from falling open. That was not the answer she'd anticipated. Not at all. Then Colin's quiet: "I can't lose you... if this is what it takes..."
"Are you - listen to the two of you! Neither will back down and you're willing to... to agree to..." She couldn't even bring herself to say the words. She'd never been a Sunite, but this was everything she'd heard stories of from Kaliadra and seen in the temple of Sune by the Holy Grove.
"I can't lose you, Sanria," Colin said.
"I won't let him tear our family apart," Gilean said.
She tried backing out of what she'd proposed, after all, Sanria reasoned, this wasn't what she'd truly meant for them to choose. No man in his right mind would choose such a thing. But when she saw just how serious each was, just how hurt they were by the thought of being alone, Sanria closed her eyes and shook her head. How Kaliadra's goddess had crept into her life, Sanria didn't know. But polyamory sat there, grinning at Sanria with a wink. The bottom line was... she'd never actually officially left EITHER of them. A minor oversight that now left her realizing that the druids never bothered to ask when she married Gilean. This... was going to be a whole new experience for...Mrs. Stone-Eosos. Sanria shook her head and sighed. What the hell, Why not?
Showing posts with label Kaliadra. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Kaliadra. Show all posts
Releasing the Dam
Bad didn't adequately describe the situation Sanria now found herself in. Bad was before - moments before - Colin simply trying to remind her of his love for her, trying to get her back. Bad had morphed into something akin to unbearable, uncomfortable, and blood-draining. Colin had now figured out Kaliadra's ruse, and because he was in such close proximity, made no qualms about coming to talk. Sanria had hoped it would be to say goodbye, or at the very least, give her space to breathe. Instead, it turned into her raising her voice, growing increasingly flustered and impatient.
She had said all she could say. She reminded him of Gilean's feelings, of Matinus, of Nioma, of her unborn. She reminded him of how she loved them and how going back to him would break that asunder. It would tear apart what little she had. Then: "I don't know how to let you go, Sanria."
"Can you? Eventually? Given time?"
"I can't. I don't want to."
From this answer, Sanria learned that it was never truly the black makou that drove Colin to madness when it came to her. It was his own heart. Knowing everything -all the ugliness that her leaving Gilean would cause, the pain for the children, the pain for Gilean - Colin had given his honest admission. He wanted her in his life and though he was the most family oriented man she'd ever met - he was willing to break a family to get his own back. To get her back.
The drive left her and Sanria lost the will to fight. She knew him, knew the relentless determination, knew Colin wouldn't stop. She agreed to leave Gilean, to rip apart what little they had built while Colin had forgotten everything. It didn't make her happy. It wasn't a conclusion that brought her joy. After Colin left, she wretched into a plant pot and sat sobbing on the floor.
She had wanted at last to do something right. She had tried hard to make things work between herself and Gilean, and just when she had set her course, it was pulled away. The guilt was excruciating, but she'd have to bear it. Or so she thought. She had assumed that the mild-mannered pacifist she'd married would accept defeat and let go easily. That is, however, when unbearable, uncomfortable, and blood-draining dipped even lower than she thought it could.
She had said all she could say. She reminded him of Gilean's feelings, of Matinus, of Nioma, of her unborn. She reminded him of how she loved them and how going back to him would break that asunder. It would tear apart what little she had. Then: "I don't know how to let you go, Sanria."
"Can you? Eventually? Given time?"
"I can't. I don't want to."
From this answer, Sanria learned that it was never truly the black makou that drove Colin to madness when it came to her. It was his own heart. Knowing everything -all the ugliness that her leaving Gilean would cause, the pain for the children, the pain for Gilean - Colin had given his honest admission. He wanted her in his life and though he was the most family oriented man she'd ever met - he was willing to break a family to get his own back. To get her back.
The drive left her and Sanria lost the will to fight. She knew him, knew the relentless determination, knew Colin wouldn't stop. She agreed to leave Gilean, to rip apart what little they had built while Colin had forgotten everything. It didn't make her happy. It wasn't a conclusion that brought her joy. After Colin left, she wretched into a plant pot and sat sobbing on the floor.
She had wanted at last to do something right. She had tried hard to make things work between herself and Gilean, and just when she had set her course, it was pulled away. The guilt was excruciating, but she'd have to bear it. Or so she thought. She had assumed that the mild-mannered pacifist she'd married would accept defeat and let go easily. That is, however, when unbearable, uncomfortable, and blood-draining dipped even lower than she thought it could.
Discussions with Heucuvas and Beginnings to Ends
The skeletal figure that sat across from Sanria did not frighten her at all, but he did give her a moment's pause. It wasn't every day that one saw one of the undead licking an ice cream cone as it dribbled down his hand. Their conversation, however, was nice and Sanria felt that Kaz would certainly be a welcomed addition to the clan, provided he met with one more member to solidify the steadily prevailing opinion. The gentle conversation removed Sanria from the news she had been given the night before -Kaliadra had lied about her pregnancy, and Colin was sleeping in the castle.
She parted ways with Kaz and went immediately to her office. There, she buried herself in work transcribing parts of an ancient tome onto a piece of parchment. She felt a comfort in having to focus so heavily on each word. She couldn't think when she had to restrict her thoughts to ensure that she was writing the correct symbols, the correct phrases, the - "Um, Mom... you busy?"
How much time had passed? Sanria looked up into the eyes of Orn with a smile. "Orn, come in. Please. No, just... making a mess." Hours? She cleared her desk, and offered Orn a seat. "What did you want to discuss?"
Sanria was prepared for anything. She'd assumed Orn had also met with Kaz, or had questions about the clan. She wore a smile as she thought about her son and how he'd become a wonderful man. It warmed her heart even more that Mirin and he were so happy. Still, something was tugging at her. There was embarrassment on her son's face. Why?
"Well, uh..."
"Everything alright?"
"Yeah, yeah... uh, Dad asked me to come talk to you. Well, I guess more to see if you would talk to him."
Sanria's eyes narrowed ever so slightly. Colin had dragged Orn into the middle of things. Unfairly so. "Orn... I'm sorry he asked you to do that. I'll make sure he knows not to involve you or put you in the middle of things."
"No, Mom. It's ok. I would have told him no if I didn't want him to ask. It's just, weird, you know."
"Yeah, I know." More than she cared to admit. "Just... yes. Send him in. I'll talk to him."
She had to dismiss Orn, apparently Colin had even made provisions for their son to sit in on what Sanria expected was going to be yet another proclamation of his undying, unyielding devotion. She was going to make this stop. She had said her goodbyes. Colin would simply have to accept them.
She parted ways with Kaz and went immediately to her office. There, she buried herself in work transcribing parts of an ancient tome onto a piece of parchment. She felt a comfort in having to focus so heavily on each word. She couldn't think when she had to restrict her thoughts to ensure that she was writing the correct symbols, the correct phrases, the - "Um, Mom... you busy?"
How much time had passed? Sanria looked up into the eyes of Orn with a smile. "Orn, come in. Please. No, just... making a mess." Hours? She cleared her desk, and offered Orn a seat. "What did you want to discuss?"
Sanria was prepared for anything. She'd assumed Orn had also met with Kaz, or had questions about the clan. She wore a smile as she thought about her son and how he'd become a wonderful man. It warmed her heart even more that Mirin and he were so happy. Still, something was tugging at her. There was embarrassment on her son's face. Why?
"Well, uh..."
"Everything alright?"
"Yeah, yeah... uh, Dad asked me to come talk to you. Well, I guess more to see if you would talk to him."
Sanria's eyes narrowed ever so slightly. Colin had dragged Orn into the middle of things. Unfairly so. "Orn... I'm sorry he asked you to do that. I'll make sure he knows not to involve you or put you in the middle of things."
"No, Mom. It's ok. I would have told him no if I didn't want him to ask. It's just, weird, you know."
"Yeah, I know." More than she cared to admit. "Just... yes. Send him in. I'll talk to him."
She had to dismiss Orn, apparently Colin had even made provisions for their son to sit in on what Sanria expected was going to be yet another proclamation of his undying, unyielding devotion. She was going to make this stop. She had said her goodbyes. Colin would simply have to accept them.
Telling the Truth
A diary entry left open upon a small white table:
I am fairly certain he wanted to kill me. Yes. Fairly certain of that fact. Perhaps it is good I am linked to Sanria and Colin no longer has black makou in him. Perhaps it is due to the fact thathe looked utterly exhausted. I know not. He was at the castle, easy enough to get into his room using arcane methods to bypass some of the defensive features. I simply couldn't keep the farce going any longer... the lie has been eating at my soul.
I went to Sanria first and she looked at me as though I were on fire. She asked me what was wrong with me, then looked at me with pity. Me! As though I am the one that is pitiful. ... Alas, perhaps even this is correct.
I no longer know. I realize doing this may jeopardize things for
Gilean and Sanria. Though after seeing Colin so dejected, perhaps this has broken him enough that he will not seek to recover Sanria.
I begged him to leave them alone - his only reply was to demand I leave. I know I have damned you, Lady Sune, but if you are out there, somewhere, take from me my apologies. I have reached the end of my meddling in love. I will remain here, in this room, my companions my books and studies until I wither and collapse into dust.
I am fairly certain he wanted to kill me. Yes. Fairly certain of that fact. Perhaps it is good I am linked to Sanria and Colin no longer has black makou in him. Perhaps it is due to the fact thathe looked utterly exhausted. I know not. He was at the castle, easy enough to get into his room using arcane methods to bypass some of the defensive features. I simply couldn't keep the farce going any longer... the lie has been eating at my soul.
I went to Sanria first and she looked at me as though I were on fire. She asked me what was wrong with me, then looked at me with pity. Me! As though I am the one that is pitiful. ... Alas, perhaps even this is correct.
I no longer know. I realize doing this may jeopardize things for
Gilean and Sanria. Though after seeing Colin so dejected, perhaps this has broken him enough that he will not seek to recover Sanria.
I begged him to leave them alone - his only reply was to demand I leave. I know I have damned you, Lady Sune, but if you are out there, somewhere, take from me my apologies. I have reached the end of my meddling in love. I will remain here, in this room, my companions my books and studies until I wither and collapse into dust.
Shaping the Stone
Enmach sat at the fountain, waiting for Colin to show up. Ever since she'd given him the rabbit, Oliver, he'd been much more able to talk to others and communicate where he hadn't before. It pleased her that she was able to aid him. But this time, he needed to talk, though she already knew what the discussion would be. She'd heard it all from Sanria, the other side of the problem.
This time he was hurt over the fact that Kaliadra had roped him into a relationship of sorts, a pregnancy. He didn't want the child, a prospect not at all odd considering the fact that not many men who slept around wanted evidence of the encounter left behind. Enmach knew, however, that loneliness drove people to do far worse things.
She couldn't help feeling that he was looking at the situation all wrong. He was beside himself that he couldn't have Sanria back, but didn't seem to think about Gilean or Matinus or the fact that Sanria was going to bear a child by her husband. She tried to get him to see - by not acting on his desires, keeping himself resigned to the idea of having a baby elsewhere, he was doing Gilean's family a favor, and Kaliadra - for entrapping him unfairly - had done a service to children who would have otherwise lost a mother or a father or both.
Enmach brought him into the castle to sleep in the inn. He had requested to be put to sleep, dreamless sleep, and Enmach was obliging. Sanria was not there, nothing could accidentally happen if she was gone for the day and unable to be found in the halls of the castle.
Admittedly, it made Enmach feel bad, being on the side of the two ex-es staying ex-es, but there was nothing she could do other than help the man sleep and hope he came to his senses. She stepped out, leaving Colin for a few moments to go to the Tea Shop in the castle. Sandrine made fabulous chamomile tea, and coupled with a little dose of magic, the concoction would certainly give Colin a little peace in his slumbering hours.
This time he was hurt over the fact that Kaliadra had roped him into a relationship of sorts, a pregnancy. He didn't want the child, a prospect not at all odd considering the fact that not many men who slept around wanted evidence of the encounter left behind. Enmach knew, however, that loneliness drove people to do far worse things.
She couldn't help feeling that he was looking at the situation all wrong. He was beside himself that he couldn't have Sanria back, but didn't seem to think about Gilean or Matinus or the fact that Sanria was going to bear a child by her husband. She tried to get him to see - by not acting on his desires, keeping himself resigned to the idea of having a baby elsewhere, he was doing Gilean's family a favor, and Kaliadra - for entrapping him unfairly - had done a service to children who would have otherwise lost a mother or a father or both.
Enmach brought him into the castle to sleep in the inn. He had requested to be put to sleep, dreamless sleep, and Enmach was obliging. Sanria was not there, nothing could accidentally happen if she was gone for the day and unable to be found in the halls of the castle.
Admittedly, it made Enmach feel bad, being on the side of the two ex-es staying ex-es, but there was nothing she could do other than help the man sleep and hope he came to his senses. She stepped out, leaving Colin for a few moments to go to the Tea Shop in the castle. Sandrine made fabulous chamomile tea, and coupled with a little dose of magic, the concoction would certainly give Colin a little peace in his slumbering hours.
Dedication
Gilean sat in the chair in the living room near the fireplace reading a large book about something to do with expunging exotic poisons. Truth be told, though his eyes had been scanning over the words for many minutes, he hadn't read a single bit of it. His thoughts were far too absorbed with the tumultuous state of his family.
It hadn't helped that Claire had managed a visit yesterday. She was able to only briefly slip away from the oppressive watch of Ruthivan but the woman who Gilean saw seemed far from the Claire he knew... the Claire he loved. The magical flames normally alight upon her head were practically non-existent and she showed almost no emotion. She seemed somehow broken and it absolutely tore at Gilean's heart.
It was worse when Matinus wouldn't even acknowledge Claire as his mother. 'She is not my mom! Sanria is my mom! She's here, and she loves me!' The boy's words still rang through Gilean's mind. He had yelled at Matinus and sent him to his room, angered to see the additional pain those words inflicted on the already broken Claire. Claire had criticized Gilean for reprimanding the boy.
'He has every right to feel as he does. Matinus felt threatened by something, and I believe that something is his father standing with another woman who is never here saying to hug her and treat her like a mother. I am no longer his mother. I am merely the woman who gave him life.'
Gilean had accepted Claire's words and later spoke to Matinus. He attempted to apologize for not always being there for his son. First when he lost Claire to Ruthivan, then more recently when Sanria was taken by Velentham. Matinus had been very guarded and resentful, even going so far as to tell Gilean, 'If you leave mom I'm going to live with her. I don't want to live with you, Dad. Not if you want that other lady. Because I don't believe you.'
That had almost been too much for Gilean. Not only had the boy questioned his feelings for Sanria, but to hear another of his children essentially tell him what a terrible father he was... It was too late to change things for Mirin, who had essentially grown up with the Stones, but it wasn't too late for Matinus. He had promised his son then and there he would do whatever was necessary to keep this family together.
Here he sat with the knowledge of Kalidra's secret weighing on him. There was no baby. It was a secret he would bear. He had to see this family stay together. For Matinus, for Nioma, for Sanria, for the little one yet to be born. He would do whatever it took. This time, things would be right.
It hadn't helped that Claire had managed a visit yesterday. She was able to only briefly slip away from the oppressive watch of Ruthivan but the woman who Gilean saw seemed far from the Claire he knew... the Claire he loved. The magical flames normally alight upon her head were practically non-existent and she showed almost no emotion. She seemed somehow broken and it absolutely tore at Gilean's heart.
It was worse when Matinus wouldn't even acknowledge Claire as his mother. 'She is not my mom! Sanria is my mom! She's here, and she loves me!' The boy's words still rang through Gilean's mind. He had yelled at Matinus and sent him to his room, angered to see the additional pain those words inflicted on the already broken Claire. Claire had criticized Gilean for reprimanding the boy.
'He has every right to feel as he does. Matinus felt threatened by something, and I believe that something is his father standing with another woman who is never here saying to hug her and treat her like a mother. I am no longer his mother. I am merely the woman who gave him life.'
Gilean had accepted Claire's words and later spoke to Matinus. He attempted to apologize for not always being there for his son. First when he lost Claire to Ruthivan, then more recently when Sanria was taken by Velentham. Matinus had been very guarded and resentful, even going so far as to tell Gilean, 'If you leave mom I'm going to live with her. I don't want to live with you, Dad. Not if you want that other lady. Because I don't believe you.'
That had almost been too much for Gilean. Not only had the boy questioned his feelings for Sanria, but to hear another of his children essentially tell him what a terrible father he was... It was too late to change things for Mirin, who had essentially grown up with the Stones, but it wasn't too late for Matinus. He had promised his son then and there he would do whatever was necessary to keep this family together.
Here he sat with the knowledge of Kalidra's secret weighing on him. There was no baby. It was a secret he would bear. He had to see this family stay together. For Matinus, for Nioma, for Sanria, for the little one yet to be born. He would do whatever it took. This time, things would be right.
Hard Work
Colin stood in the training room, stripped to the waist with sweat streaming down his body. He struck the training dummy a few more times with his swords though his arms already felt like lead. Panting for breath, he finally dropped them to his sides and slunk over to one of the benches along the wall. He sat down wearily, his muscles burning from working himself almost to exhaustion. He found that hard exercise always helped clear his mind when he was troubled but it had been a long time since he was troubled quite like this.
Maybe this was what he got for thinking things couldn't get any worse. It wasn't enough that Sanria was married to Gilean, was the best parent little Matinus had ever known, and was carrying Gilean's child. No, Kaliadra had taken it upon herself to seduce him to bed and ensured she became pregnant. Colin knew he should have fought harder, resisted her stronger, but her touch was so welcoming and had a strange sense of Sanria about it. Perhaps she had learned something through the connection the two shared, perhaps it was just Colin willing it into existence. Kaliadra had forced Colin to look her in the eyes and acknowledge she wasn't Sanria but in that particular moment, Colin would have said practically anything not to lose the feeling of Sanria coming to him willingly, even if it weren't truly her.
He didn't know how Kaliadra had managed to ensure the pregnancy, even Sanria didn't know, but the fact was it happened. Colin had always loved new life, babies, children of all kinds; but for the first time in his life he found himself hating the little one in Kaliadra. He felt terrible for even thinking that, however, he couldn't lie to himself. He felt his chest tighten as he thought about just how wrong everything had turned out. Sanria carrying Gilean's child, Kaliadra carrying his... the one thing he wanted in his life seemed further away than ever.
Colin fought against his rising emotions and simply stood, almost mechanically approaching the training dummy once more. He swung and hacked, even though his muscles screamed in protest. Eventually he would reach exhaustion, then, maybe, he could sleep without seeing only the sad face of Sanria before him.
Maybe this was what he got for thinking things couldn't get any worse. It wasn't enough that Sanria was married to Gilean, was the best parent little Matinus had ever known, and was carrying Gilean's child. No, Kaliadra had taken it upon herself to seduce him to bed and ensured she became pregnant. Colin knew he should have fought harder, resisted her stronger, but her touch was so welcoming and had a strange sense of Sanria about it. Perhaps she had learned something through the connection the two shared, perhaps it was just Colin willing it into existence. Kaliadra had forced Colin to look her in the eyes and acknowledge she wasn't Sanria but in that particular moment, Colin would have said practically anything not to lose the feeling of Sanria coming to him willingly, even if it weren't truly her.
He didn't know how Kaliadra had managed to ensure the pregnancy, even Sanria didn't know, but the fact was it happened. Colin had always loved new life, babies, children of all kinds; but for the first time in his life he found himself hating the little one in Kaliadra. He felt terrible for even thinking that, however, he couldn't lie to himself. He felt his chest tighten as he thought about just how wrong everything had turned out. Sanria carrying Gilean's child, Kaliadra carrying his... the one thing he wanted in his life seemed further away than ever.
Colin fought against his rising emotions and simply stood, almost mechanically approaching the training dummy once more. He swung and hacked, even though his muscles screamed in protest. Eventually he would reach exhaustion, then, maybe, he could sleep without seeing only the sad face of Sanria before him.
Blurring the Lines
A diary entry left open upon a small white table:
I had promised myself I would stay out of things, but I suppose the truth is I could not. I cannot. Were it but that simple, I should have followed my own advice and remained apart, but, alas - I feel acutely what she feels since I have returned to my elven form, and I could feel where she was heading once more.
One would assume vows and pregnancy would be enough to keep a woman still. I never did anticipate what I was to be given when I linked myself to Sanria, and she is no ordinary fool. I did what I had to do. I seduced Colin again and then lied about being with child. Only Gilean knows of this deception, and even he seemed unsettled by the news. He does not wish to bear such a secret.
After what I had done, I could tell Gilean seemed morose. He felt lying to hold Sanria to her obligations was too much, but when reminded of their family, he seemed to protest much less. I do not know when I will reveal my lie. Perhaps once things are finally established with Gilean and Sanria. I have only a few months before the ruse will visibly be up. Colin will likely be close to killing me.
The trouble for this eve has been feeling Sanria in proximity to Colin. For all this, they still managed to say goodbye to one another in their typical way. I do feel a gnawing pain, splitting apart a pair so right for one another. But if she will not settle herself and be responsible for the family she now bears, seeing the way her daughter has turned against her and her son was so torn, then I will have to help her. I know she will feel love eventually.
I stand outside myself watching this situation unfurl. I seduced Colin with no semblance of feeling for him. It is a cruelty what I have done. I am fully aware. I only hope that it is enough and I will not have to act the part any farther than what I have already. It is a place even I fear to tread, for it would damage Colin to a point of disrepair. Bah. Even I could not be so callous.
I had promised myself I would stay out of things, but I suppose the truth is I could not. I cannot. Were it but that simple, I should have followed my own advice and remained apart, but, alas - I feel acutely what she feels since I have returned to my elven form, and I could feel where she was heading once more.
One would assume vows and pregnancy would be enough to keep a woman still. I never did anticipate what I was to be given when I linked myself to Sanria, and she is no ordinary fool. I did what I had to do. I seduced Colin again and then lied about being with child. Only Gilean knows of this deception, and even he seemed unsettled by the news. He does not wish to bear such a secret.
After what I had done, I could tell Gilean seemed morose. He felt lying to hold Sanria to her obligations was too much, but when reminded of their family, he seemed to protest much less. I do not know when I will reveal my lie. Perhaps once things are finally established with Gilean and Sanria. I have only a few months before the ruse will visibly be up. Colin will likely be close to killing me.
The trouble for this eve has been feeling Sanria in proximity to Colin. For all this, they still managed to say goodbye to one another in their typical way. I do feel a gnawing pain, splitting apart a pair so right for one another. But if she will not settle herself and be responsible for the family she now bears, seeing the way her daughter has turned against her and her son was so torn, then I will have to help her. I know she will feel love eventually.
I stand outside myself watching this situation unfurl. I seduced Colin with no semblance of feeling for him. It is a cruelty what I have done. I am fully aware. I only hope that it is enough and I will not have to act the part any farther than what I have already. It is a place even I fear to tread, for it would damage Colin to a point of disrepair. Bah. Even I could not be so callous.
The Old College Try (1-2)
'Sanria?'
'What? What do you want?!'
'I want to know if you could spare a few moments, I'm here with Colin.'
'Is that so? Are you on your knees with him this time? What more can you do to me, Kaliadra? You send him to me and then you turn prostitute again?'
'It is not that way, I assure you...'
'You assure me, you whore. Leave me be. You've done enough already.'
'Please... I will only ask this then do as you bid.'
Sanria growled her spell and appeared in her old den where Kaliadra sat beside Colin. The gladiator was very obviously nursing a hangover, and it infuriated Sanria. "So. You were drunk. So what do you two want?"
"I just... I had a bit too much to drink and I don't quite remember what happened last night."
"You don't?" Sanria tried to keep her voice even. It wasn't working.
"I, uh, sort of remember talking to Kaliadra. And then I thought maybe I dreamed of, um, being with you. But maybe that wasn't a dream after all..."
"No. It wasn't."
"I... I just don't know how to do this Sanria. I thought I could. I really did..."
"What do you mean, you thought you could?" And here, panic crept into Sanria's mind. This couldn't be happening.
"Be without you. Live without you. Bear the thought of you being with him, a part of some other family. It's not right Sanria. It's just not. I know it, and you know it."
"I'm married to him, Colin... I'm pregnant with his child. I... do... love him. Maybe not like I should, Gods know... but..." The words all sounded so familiar, it sickened Sanria of her own self.
"I know you two are married. But Sanria Eosos? It doesn't even sound right."
Sanria looked to the fire. He had echoed the same exact thought she had from the moment the wedding had concluded, the same thought she had each day she woke and looked herself in the mirror. What she couldn't admit to anyone- ever. "I thought doing what I did with Kaliadra might somehow change things..." he continued. "Put an end to it... force me to do what I thought I couldn't otherwise. But, Sanria, it just hurts even more."
"Yes. It does."
"I don't know how to live with that hole inside of me. You are supposed to be with me. You are supposed to be my wife. Nothing else has been so clear to me."
He got up and came to her, his hands held before him, and Sanria felt as if he were begging. She had to maintain her resolve. "You told me that it was for the best..." she reminded him.
"It's just eating me up inside. I thought it would get easier... but it's only killing me more and more."
He neared her, and Sanria felt the gravity as sure and as strong as ever. Always, it was the same. The mere proximity of Colin had the same outcome as two drops of water within a short distance. Molecules vibrating until they collide and merge, and so it was when Colin reached out and pulled her suddenly to him. "This is supposed to be our time together. Really together, like we haven't been for so long."
Sanria felt him breathing in her hair, felt herself melting into him as he held her. She finally resisted, though she could not exit his grasp.
"Colin... you have to let go..." she said quietly.
"I don't want to ever let you go Sanria."
"Colin... I'm with Gilean... I am with him now..."
"But you aren't supposed to be with him. You're supposed to be with me."
Sanria did resist, much more than before. She threatened, telling Colin she would not see him again no matter what. She bargained and asked him to leave her alone, but her words were nothing against the forces working in her body. She hated how weak she was, how incapable she was of simply leaving or using magic to keep Colin at bay. It was the one thing he knew about her, the power he held over her, the physical.
"I'm with Gilean, Colin. I'm his wife," she protested half-heartedly.
"No. I don't see you as his wife. You will forever be my wife. You belong to me."
He begged her to stay, but with her body sated, Sanria's mind could at last work again. "I will not see you again, Colin. Ever. This can never happen again."
"Please, don't say that."
"What about Gilean? Wasn't he your friend?"
"I don't care about Gilean."
"What about Matinus? Nioma?"
"Stop... I don't want to hear it."
"You need to hear it," she pressed. "This cannot happen again. I will make sure it doesn't."
Sanria disappeared to the safety of her office, sending a tell to Gilean to inform him she'd be working late. She sunk down into her chair, her head in her hands. Why she could never do what she meant to do, Sanria did not understand. It seemed every step she took was the wrong one. A matter of inability to stay on one path. 'No,' she thought to herself, 'this time will be different. This time, I will make this stop. I have to.'
'What? What do you want?!'
'I want to know if you could spare a few moments, I'm here with Colin.'
'Is that so? Are you on your knees with him this time? What more can you do to me, Kaliadra? You send him to me and then you turn prostitute again?'
'It is not that way, I assure you...'
'You assure me, you whore. Leave me be. You've done enough already.'
'Please... I will only ask this then do as you bid.'
Sanria growled her spell and appeared in her old den where Kaliadra sat beside Colin. The gladiator was very obviously nursing a hangover, and it infuriated Sanria. "So. You were drunk. So what do you two want?"
"I just... I had a bit too much to drink and I don't quite remember what happened last night."
"You don't?" Sanria tried to keep her voice even. It wasn't working.
"I, uh, sort of remember talking to Kaliadra. And then I thought maybe I dreamed of, um, being with you. But maybe that wasn't a dream after all..."
"No. It wasn't."
"I... I just don't know how to do this Sanria. I thought I could. I really did..."
"What do you mean, you thought you could?" And here, panic crept into Sanria's mind. This couldn't be happening.
"Be without you. Live without you. Bear the thought of you being with him, a part of some other family. It's not right Sanria. It's just not. I know it, and you know it."
"I'm married to him, Colin... I'm pregnant with his child. I... do... love him. Maybe not like I should, Gods know... but..." The words all sounded so familiar, it sickened Sanria of her own self.
"I know you two are married. But Sanria Eosos? It doesn't even sound right."
Sanria looked to the fire. He had echoed the same exact thought she had from the moment the wedding had concluded, the same thought she had each day she woke and looked herself in the mirror. What she couldn't admit to anyone- ever. "I thought doing what I did with Kaliadra might somehow change things..." he continued. "Put an end to it... force me to do what I thought I couldn't otherwise. But, Sanria, it just hurts even more."
"Yes. It does."
"I don't know how to live with that hole inside of me. You are supposed to be with me. You are supposed to be my wife. Nothing else has been so clear to me."
He got up and came to her, his hands held before him, and Sanria felt as if he were begging. She had to maintain her resolve. "You told me that it was for the best..." she reminded him.
"It's just eating me up inside. I thought it would get easier... but it's only killing me more and more."
He neared her, and Sanria felt the gravity as sure and as strong as ever. Always, it was the same. The mere proximity of Colin had the same outcome as two drops of water within a short distance. Molecules vibrating until they collide and merge, and so it was when Colin reached out and pulled her suddenly to him. "This is supposed to be our time together. Really together, like we haven't been for so long."
Sanria felt him breathing in her hair, felt herself melting into him as he held her. She finally resisted, though she could not exit his grasp.
"Colin... you have to let go..." she said quietly.
"I don't want to ever let you go Sanria."
"Colin... I'm with Gilean... I am with him now..."
"But you aren't supposed to be with him. You're supposed to be with me."
Sanria did resist, much more than before. She threatened, telling Colin she would not see him again no matter what. She bargained and asked him to leave her alone, but her words were nothing against the forces working in her body. She hated how weak she was, how incapable she was of simply leaving or using magic to keep Colin at bay. It was the one thing he knew about her, the power he held over her, the physical.
"I'm with Gilean, Colin. I'm his wife," she protested half-heartedly.
"No. I don't see you as his wife. You will forever be my wife. You belong to me."
He begged her to stay, but with her body sated, Sanria's mind could at last work again. "I will not see you again, Colin. Ever. This can never happen again."
"Please, don't say that."
"What about Gilean? Wasn't he your friend?"
"I don't care about Gilean."
"What about Matinus? Nioma?"
"Stop... I don't want to hear it."
"You need to hear it," she pressed. "This cannot happen again. I will make sure it doesn't."
Sanria disappeared to the safety of her office, sending a tell to Gilean to inform him she'd be working late. She sunk down into her chair, her head in her hands. Why she could never do what she meant to do, Sanria did not understand. It seemed every step she took was the wrong one. A matter of inability to stay on one path. 'No,' she thought to herself, 'this time will be different. This time, I will make this stop. I have to.'
Fatal Flaws
"What the hell are you doing here, Colin?" Sanria pushed, but Colin was not deterred in the least. He held her to him tightly, kissing her neck and smelling her hair.
"I had Kaliadra send me when he was gone. Here I am. I'm here for you."
"I don't want to see you. Leave."
"No. Not unless you're coming with me."
"What?"
"Come with me. This whole thing is wrong, I see that more than ever. You shouldn't be with him. You should be with me."
Sanria smelled the familiar smell of Colin's body, his hair, the way he pulled her to him and the warmth that rolled from him in waves. Her body already responded. She cursed herself even as she pushed him back again. "No, Colin. You need to go. I don't want to see you!" But her words were like the lightest summer breeze against the trunk of an oak. He had every trick in the book from the many years with her, every method for making her weak.
"You should be with me."
"I can't."
"Yes. You can."
In her mind, at least, Sanria put up a valiant fight. She resisted and swore her bond to Gilean. Colin simply called her bluff and before she knew it, they were deep within one another, all thoughts of her anger at his time with Kaliadra and how wrong this was gone like dew in afternoon light. "Do you want me, or him?" Colin whispered heavily into her ear.
"I..."
"Tell me..."
"You..."
"That's what I thought."
Colin kissed her heavily, drunkenly, and stood up with a triumphant look on his face. Sanria felt a sudden flush of outrage - in part with the presumption Colin made, as well as the betrayal of her own self. "You get out of here, now. You go back and think about what you did!"
With reflexes he usually saved for fighting, Colin leaned down, kissing Sanria yet again. He pulled back to look at her, his gray eyes steady. "No. *You* think about what I did, and remember what you felt. This is right. Me and you."
Angrily, Sanria wove a spell to send him back to the cavern. No sooner than Colin had vanished, Sanria's cheeks still flush with frustration, than Gilean walked in with a smile. "I'm ready for some sleep, it was a great walk."
"We should leave tomorrow," she said as gently as she could. Her heart raced with the betrayal. "You're right," Gilean said. He kissed her on the cheek and went off to get ready for bed.
"I had Kaliadra send me when he was gone. Here I am. I'm here for you."
"I don't want to see you. Leave."
"No. Not unless you're coming with me."
"What?"
"Come with me. This whole thing is wrong, I see that more than ever. You shouldn't be with him. You should be with me."
Sanria smelled the familiar smell of Colin's body, his hair, the way he pulled her to him and the warmth that rolled from him in waves. Her body already responded. She cursed herself even as she pushed him back again. "No, Colin. You need to go. I don't want to see you!" But her words were like the lightest summer breeze against the trunk of an oak. He had every trick in the book from the many years with her, every method for making her weak.
"You should be with me."
"I can't."
"Yes. You can."
In her mind, at least, Sanria put up a valiant fight. She resisted and swore her bond to Gilean. Colin simply called her bluff and before she knew it, they were deep within one another, all thoughts of her anger at his time with Kaliadra and how wrong this was gone like dew in afternoon light. "Do you want me, or him?" Colin whispered heavily into her ear.
"I..."
"Tell me..."
"You..."
"That's what I thought."
Colin kissed her heavily, drunkenly, and stood up with a triumphant look on his face. Sanria felt a sudden flush of outrage - in part with the presumption Colin made, as well as the betrayal of her own self. "You get out of here, now. You go back and think about what you did!"
With reflexes he usually saved for fighting, Colin leaned down, kissing Sanria yet again. He pulled back to look at her, his gray eyes steady. "No. *You* think about what I did, and remember what you felt. This is right. Me and you."
Angrily, Sanria wove a spell to send him back to the cavern. No sooner than Colin had vanished, Sanria's cheeks still flush with frustration, than Gilean walked in with a smile. "I'm ready for some sleep, it was a great walk."
"We should leave tomorrow," she said as gently as she could. Her heart raced with the betrayal. "You're right," Gilean said. He kissed her on the cheek and went off to get ready for bed.
Making Amends?
A diary entry left open upon a small white table:
I encountered the small rabbit that Colin claims is his own today, a missive tied around its neck. I must admit that such a rabbit did make me consider a meal, but not being in wolf form, to end the rabbits life to satisfy my hunger would not do without cooking. The missive was a request - send Colin to meet with Sanria when Gilean was not present.
I realize I should have ignored it, but I did not see the harm in doing what he asked. I did not realize that Colin had restraint issues. I sent him then scryed and found that he was only half dressed and in a very inebriated state. Sanria looked quite shocked to see him.
I could feel her anger and frustration and guilt and pleasure. I do not know if what I have done has helped. I am beginning to suspect that all my attempts at helping are... quite pitiful indeed. In fact, I feel as though I have done nothing but stir up the proverbial hornet's nest of problems. I have never felt so conflicted in all my years.
I encountered the small rabbit that Colin claims is his own today, a missive tied around its neck. I must admit that such a rabbit did make me consider a meal, but not being in wolf form, to end the rabbits life to satisfy my hunger would not do without cooking. The missive was a request - send Colin to meet with Sanria when Gilean was not present.
I realize I should have ignored it, but I did not see the harm in doing what he asked. I did not realize that Colin had restraint issues. I sent him then scryed and found that he was only half dressed and in a very inebriated state. Sanria looked quite shocked to see him.
I could feel her anger and frustration and guilt and pleasure. I do not know if what I have done has helped. I am beginning to suspect that all my attempts at helping are... quite pitiful indeed. In fact, I feel as though I have done nothing but stir up the proverbial hornet's nest of problems. I have never felt so conflicted in all my years.
Family Adventures
"Colin and Kaliadra slept together." Sanria blurted the words out before she could be bothered to form them in any other way. She couldn't hide the pain and she could barely look at Gilean. She hated the fact that after all her attempts at controlling the situation, all her retaliatory slaps to the face, she still couldn't manage to keep herself from looking the fool.
"Well... that seems odd."
"She did it to hurt me, to force me to stay-" And Sanria cut herself off. She waited for Gilean to understand, but it seemed he was perfectly willing to ignore what the implication meant.
"Well of course you would be hurt, you still have feelings for Colin." Sanria was stunned into a silence from which she could only nod. This was not at all the reaction she anticipated. "I'm so sorry they did this to you," he continued. "That wasn't fair of either of them."
There was no way this could be what he thought... did he not understand that she had been on the verge of going back? She let out a long sigh and shook her head. "Well... they deserve each other."
"I had been planning in secret, but I think now would be a good time to let you in on my plans - I want to take you and the kids on an adventure. Me, you, Matinus, and Nioma. We'll get away from all of this."
Panic shot up into Sanria's thoughts, but they were soon quelled by the gold-flecked eyes that smiled into hers. No matter what, Gilean was her husband, and now she truly had to take the time to settle into that fact. Colin made his choice to push her away, she'd never see him again if she could at all help it. Gilean sat there, waiting with a soft smile for her reply. She nodded slowly and he leaned his forehead to hers. "Good. Let's leave tomorrow," he whispered.
"Tomorrow..."
"Why not?"
Why not... there was nothing else for her to do. She knew the clan was always in capable hands and Colin was no longer hers to consider. She reached up and took his wrist in her hand and managed to smile. "Alright. Let's go."
"Well... that seems odd."
"She did it to hurt me, to force me to stay-" And Sanria cut herself off. She waited for Gilean to understand, but it seemed he was perfectly willing to ignore what the implication meant.
"Well of course you would be hurt, you still have feelings for Colin." Sanria was stunned into a silence from which she could only nod. This was not at all the reaction she anticipated. "I'm so sorry they did this to you," he continued. "That wasn't fair of either of them."
There was no way this could be what he thought... did he not understand that she had been on the verge of going back? She let out a long sigh and shook her head. "Well... they deserve each other."
"I had been planning in secret, but I think now would be a good time to let you in on my plans - I want to take you and the kids on an adventure. Me, you, Matinus, and Nioma. We'll get away from all of this."
Panic shot up into Sanria's thoughts, but they were soon quelled by the gold-flecked eyes that smiled into hers. No matter what, Gilean was her husband, and now she truly had to take the time to settle into that fact. Colin made his choice to push her away, she'd never see him again if she could at all help it. Gilean sat there, waiting with a soft smile for her reply. She nodded slowly and he leaned his forehead to hers. "Good. Let's leave tomorrow," he whispered.
"Tomorrow..."
"Why not?"
Why not... there was nothing else for her to do. She knew the clan was always in capable hands and Colin was no longer hers to consider. She reached up and took his wrist in her hand and managed to smile. "Alright. Let's go."
Stomping the Flames
Sanria found Kaliadra in the small bed, fast asleep, her diary open. She walked to the small table and read the entry, "Good. Bitch," she spat. Then went to the bed and woke Kaliadra with a stinging slap to the face. The elf flew away with a start and readied her hands for casting... then lowered them.
"What?"
"End it. Make this stop," Sanria said.
"End what?"
"End us, you silly tramp. You said you wanted the pain to stop, well I do too. So do something about it. End it. Let's stop this while we still can."
Kaliadra slid to the edge of the bed, her hands on her knees, staring at the floor. Sanria wanted to grab her by the hair and pull it out handful by handful. She stayed her hands. "I can't," Kaliadra said.
"What lies!"
"The spell still stands, Sanria. It has not worn off. Not only that," the elf looked up, "you have affairs to manage and a family to tend."
"I'm NOT a slave! Not to YOU, not to ANYONE!"
Sanria watched the elf get up and turn to her. Kaliadra took Sanria's shoulders in her hands and stared at her, blue eyes piercing into her own brown ones. "I do not love him, Sanria. I did what I thought was right. I was wrong. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I took advantage of him... and you."
"Damage is done," Sanria said nearly snarling.
"You are right. And I can feel it as though the hell is my own twice over. Not only do I feel my own disgust in myself, but I feel it rolling from you in waves. Please... don't do what you are trying to do. This is my fault alone, and I shall live with it and feel the pain."
"I hate you."
"I know. And I would rather deal with the self-sacrifice of feeling it, the punishment I willingly will bear for what I've done. I won't try to escape it. I will bear it... as an elf, because I did both you and Colin wrong."
Sanria took a couple of steps back, staring at the face which now bore a red outline of her fingers and palm. There was nothing more she could say... she had to go home... to Gilean. How she would explain the rage in her heart without crushing him under it all, she didn't know. She would have to think of something fast, for at the end of her spell, she found herself in the cottage, looking into his concerned face.
"What?"
"End it. Make this stop," Sanria said.
"End what?"
"End us, you silly tramp. You said you wanted the pain to stop, well I do too. So do something about it. End it. Let's stop this while we still can."
Kaliadra slid to the edge of the bed, her hands on her knees, staring at the floor. Sanria wanted to grab her by the hair and pull it out handful by handful. She stayed her hands. "I can't," Kaliadra said.
"What lies!"
"The spell still stands, Sanria. It has not worn off. Not only that," the elf looked up, "you have affairs to manage and a family to tend."
"I'm NOT a slave! Not to YOU, not to ANYONE!"
Sanria watched the elf get up and turn to her. Kaliadra took Sanria's shoulders in her hands and stared at her, blue eyes piercing into her own brown ones. "I do not love him, Sanria. I did what I thought was right. I was wrong. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I took advantage of him... and you."
"Damage is done," Sanria said nearly snarling.
"You are right. And I can feel it as though the hell is my own twice over. Not only do I feel my own disgust in myself, but I feel it rolling from you in waves. Please... don't do what you are trying to do. This is my fault alone, and I shall live with it and feel the pain."
"I hate you."
"I know. And I would rather deal with the self-sacrifice of feeling it, the punishment I willingly will bear for what I've done. I won't try to escape it. I will bear it... as an elf, because I did both you and Colin wrong."
Sanria took a couple of steps back, staring at the face which now bore a red outline of her fingers and palm. There was nothing more she could say... she had to go home... to Gilean. How she would explain the rage in her heart without crushing him under it all, she didn't know. She would have to think of something fast, for at the end of her spell, she found herself in the cottage, looking into his concerned face.
Stomping the Fire
Sanria stared at the books in front of her. She hadn't been back to the cottage yet. She knew Gilean would probably be wondering where she'd gone. No, she couldn't go back yet. She had something she had to do. In a hasty utterance of spell, she appeared beside Colin and before the man could look up, laid a smack across his face that left her hand stinging. "You could have fucked anyone in the whole of the realms..."
He didn't beg. He didn't plead. He barely said more than 'Yes' and 'No.'
"You win," she said, walking to the door.
"...no, not me."
"Yes. You. This is what you wanted. If not, you wouldn't have stuffed yourself inside my friend when she prostituted her body to you. Though, I suppose she's not my friend anymore. And neither are you."
"I'm sorry. And I understand."
His absolute agreement with her words made her furious and the well of pain that much deeper. "Anyone... and you chose her."
"And you chose Gilean."
"You KNOW why," she said, storming back to meet him eye to eye.
"Yes. I do. And, unfortunately, those reasons are right."
"But you came back to us, and if you had given me time to sort out how, I..." She stopped, her agony getting the better of her. What she was admitting... was so devious to the man she had wed.
"No, I'm sorry Sanria. There wasn't a way. But you and Gilean will be happy. You have Matinus and Nioma and your baby. Yours and his. You will be happy."
"No. We won't be, Colin... I don't trust anyone... and I never will again. I suppose it's just what I deserve after how I've lived my life."
"No Sanria... don't do that. He hasn't done anything to wrong you."
"The people closest to me... and one who keeps me alive... have run me into the ground. If the people closest to you can hurt you to the point of agony... who else is left to trust?"
Sanria left and walked into the forest. She followed the stream until she dropped to her knees and poured her soul onto the boulder at her side in the form of tears. She sat there for a long time, long after she had stopped crying. She never once looked up. She had finally reaped what she'd sewn... but no... she wasn't yet done. Not yet.
He didn't beg. He didn't plead. He barely said more than 'Yes' and 'No.'
"You win," she said, walking to the door.
"...no, not me."
"Yes. You. This is what you wanted. If not, you wouldn't have stuffed yourself inside my friend when she prostituted her body to you. Though, I suppose she's not my friend anymore. And neither are you."
"I'm sorry. And I understand."
His absolute agreement with her words made her furious and the well of pain that much deeper. "Anyone... and you chose her."
"And you chose Gilean."
"You KNOW why," she said, storming back to meet him eye to eye.
"Yes. I do. And, unfortunately, those reasons are right."
"But you came back to us, and if you had given me time to sort out how, I..." She stopped, her agony getting the better of her. What she was admitting... was so devious to the man she had wed.
"No, I'm sorry Sanria. There wasn't a way. But you and Gilean will be happy. You have Matinus and Nioma and your baby. Yours and his. You will be happy."
"No. We won't be, Colin... I don't trust anyone... and I never will again. I suppose it's just what I deserve after how I've lived my life."
"No Sanria... don't do that. He hasn't done anything to wrong you."
"The people closest to me... and one who keeps me alive... have run me into the ground. If the people closest to you can hurt you to the point of agony... who else is left to trust?"
Sanria left and walked into the forest. She followed the stream until she dropped to her knees and poured her soul onto the boulder at her side in the form of tears. She sat there for a long time, long after she had stopped crying. She never once looked up. She had finally reaped what she'd sewn... but no... she wasn't yet done. Not yet.
Stealing Fire
Kaliadra vanished into her old room, her chest filled with a crushing sensation. No one roamed these halls, here, in Sir Throm's home; she would be safe in her rented room. She could barely breathe as she dropped onto her bed, sending up a tuft of curling dust. The pain she felt inside was unbearable, and she growled out a curse. There, on her table was her old diary... writing always helped.
A new diary entry left open upon a small white table:
I feel filthy. The deed I have committed is vile and reprehensible and it coats me like the stench of death, lingering on my body. I laid down with Sir Colin in the hopes of driving Sanria to stay with Sir Gilean. When I heard Sir Colin say that he couldn't give her up, I had to be the one to drive the wedge. What could I have done otherwise?!
I tire of feeling Sanria's indecisiveness, even when I fold myself in lycanthropic skin, I can feel it. But I question myself now, because in my efforts to force the situation, I had discovered that her love for this man has driven her to despair. I knew she would hurt, I was prepared for that... but not this. Not this soul freezing, soul crushing pain... pain so intense it is everywhere at once. Damn Sanria!
For my own part - yes. I wanted the experience. I had not given myself to any until that moment. I find myself wishing it could have been with one I loved, but... that one is long past gone. I've only ever felt affections for him... but he did not feel them for me. It is all most definitely for the best- given this inexorable pain marching on my soul, I want not for this again.
I have done something wrong. I had full hopes it would make my the small pains of Sanria's choices end. I have never been so terribly mistaken in all my time. Lady Sune, were she anywhere to hear of this, would likely be disappointed. Yet another entity that has abandoned us. Between the two of them and Velentham for his part... it is only the children of my life-mate that stays my hand against myself.
Damn Lithanus! Damn Sanria! Damn Sune! Damn Velentham! Damn them all!
A new diary entry left open upon a small white table:
I feel filthy. The deed I have committed is vile and reprehensible and it coats me like the stench of death, lingering on my body. I laid down with Sir Colin in the hopes of driving Sanria to stay with Sir Gilean. When I heard Sir Colin say that he couldn't give her up, I had to be the one to drive the wedge. What could I have done otherwise?!
I tire of feeling Sanria's indecisiveness, even when I fold myself in lycanthropic skin, I can feel it. But I question myself now, because in my efforts to force the situation, I had discovered that her love for this man has driven her to despair. I knew she would hurt, I was prepared for that... but not this. Not this soul freezing, soul crushing pain... pain so intense it is everywhere at once. Damn Sanria!
For my own part - yes. I wanted the experience. I had not given myself to any until that moment. I find myself wishing it could have been with one I loved, but... that one is long past gone. I've only ever felt affections for him... but he did not feel them for me. It is all most definitely for the best- given this inexorable pain marching on my soul, I want not for this again.
I have done something wrong. I had full hopes it would make my the small pains of Sanria's choices end. I have never been so terribly mistaken in all my time. Lady Sune, were she anywhere to hear of this, would likely be disappointed. Yet another entity that has abandoned us. Between the two of them and Velentham for his part... it is only the children of my life-mate that stays my hand against myself.
Damn Lithanus! Damn Sanria! Damn Sune! Damn Velentham! Damn them all!
Of Dousing Flames and Fire
Sanria stared at Kaliadra, her mouth hanging open, her eyes beginning to water. She quickly tried to cover the horrified shock that stretched over her face, succeeding only in further bunching it up. She was on the verge of breaking into sobs. A fine pebble of pain seemed to embed itself in the center of her heart as her vision swam in tears. They stood in the library, the rest of the cottage fast asleep. "Are you in love with him then?" she choked.
"No," Kaliadra said. "Carnal lust, that is all."
Sanria groped for the chair behind her and sat heavily. Her friend, her life link, the only wizard left in her life she could trust had just returned, freshly anointed, from sex with Colin. Sanria knew Kaliadra could feel everything she felt, and knew the elf knew. "Why?" she asked, leaning forward to counter the steady rise of anguish. Anyone else but her... anyone else.
"Because I'm tired of you not keeping your word."
"What do you mean?" Sanria asked in a helplessly small voice. "You would have gone back, it was only a matter of time. You'd mess up this family, these lives. But now you know. All it takes is a nude body pressed against his... anyone's will do... even a friend's."
The breath was sucked from Sanria with the last statement, and whatever held her up left her spine; she bent forward into her lap and sobbed. She had no right, she knew. She was married, expecting, a mother... but Kaliadra was right. As always. She would have gone back... she would have made a mess of everything. "But... you were my friend," she managed. "I needed you to see. I needed you to stop." Kaliadra knelt in front of her, looking up into her face, whispering: "Sanria, I can't take it anymore."
Sanria could do nothing but shake her head. She looked back to her hands and burst into renewed sobs. This display, these emotions, told her everything she needed to know in regards to her situation. She would have messed it up. All of it. Now... "You don't have to," Kaliadra said, knowing her thoughts. "If he only wanted you, he would have made me stop. But, he didn't. Please. Stop wanting him and honor your word for a change."
Sanria looked up slowly, pain making it an effort. "Please go."
"I did this for your own good."
"I have nothing more to say to you."
"Or..."
"... or... to him."
"Then I go knowing I've saved a family and spared myself."
Kaliadra vanished and the weight of the anguish dropped onto Sanria. She cried until her heart numbed. Then she stood up, her face vacant, and teleported to the castle to drown herself in work, knowing sleep would not come to her that night.
"No," Kaliadra said. "Carnal lust, that is all."
Sanria groped for the chair behind her and sat heavily. Her friend, her life link, the only wizard left in her life she could trust had just returned, freshly anointed, from sex with Colin. Sanria knew Kaliadra could feel everything she felt, and knew the elf knew. "Why?" she asked, leaning forward to counter the steady rise of anguish. Anyone else but her... anyone else.
"Because I'm tired of you not keeping your word."
"What do you mean?" Sanria asked in a helplessly small voice. "You would have gone back, it was only a matter of time. You'd mess up this family, these lives. But now you know. All it takes is a nude body pressed against his... anyone's will do... even a friend's."
The breath was sucked from Sanria with the last statement, and whatever held her up left her spine; she bent forward into her lap and sobbed. She had no right, she knew. She was married, expecting, a mother... but Kaliadra was right. As always. She would have gone back... she would have made a mess of everything. "But... you were my friend," she managed. "I needed you to see. I needed you to stop." Kaliadra knelt in front of her, looking up into her face, whispering: "Sanria, I can't take it anymore."
Sanria could do nothing but shake her head. She looked back to her hands and burst into renewed sobs. This display, these emotions, told her everything she needed to know in regards to her situation. She would have messed it up. All of it. Now... "You don't have to," Kaliadra said, knowing her thoughts. "If he only wanted you, he would have made me stop. But, he didn't. Please. Stop wanting him and honor your word for a change."
Sanria looked up slowly, pain making it an effort. "Please go."
"I did this for your own good."
"I have nothing more to say to you."
"Or..."
"... or... to him."
"Then I go knowing I've saved a family and spared myself."
Kaliadra vanished and the weight of the anguish dropped onto Sanria. She cried until her heart numbed. Then she stood up, her face vacant, and teleported to the castle to drown herself in work, knowing sleep would not come to her that night.
Tiny Infants, Looming Saddness
Sanria and Gilean walked to the cavern. They could have used magic, but in truth, the walk was sorely needed. He had talked her into going to visit the babies at the cavern where Orn and Mirin had filled the void left behind by Leandra's exodus. They strolled through the woods, hand in hand, Sanria sneaking tiny glances over at the silvery-haired young man. Even with all the stresses that had been heaped upon him, he still looked young. She had noticed the same could no longer be said for her. She was entirely dependent upon Kaliadra for her life and it was clear that the elf had very slowly aged. It was reflected in Sanria's tiny little lines. Gilean assured her the magic woven by Velentham would fade and when it did, she'd once again be on track for a date with death in the future. A blessed relief that she'd welcome... but for now...
They arrived to be greeted by Colin with an infant in each arm. They were tiny, but beautiful, with a shock of purplish hair on their heads. As soon as Sanria and Gilean walked in, Sanria could feel the slow rise of tension. Colin had eyes only for her, and she knew the message he was trying to telepath - she'd seen it many times before. Seeing her was torture for him and each time they'd connect their eyes, she'd feel the undying devotion, the bittersweet longing for their life together that, now, they'd never have. She was shocked to feel the same sensation tugging at her chest. Colin seemed to reserve his smiles only for her, and stayed at her side, near enough that she could feel the warmth rolling from him.
If she could have, Sanria would have closed her eyes and drifted into the large arms. This had been their dream, to have him well so they could finally be together like they were so long ago, but it was cruel how life played the final card. As though he could sense it, Gilean came near, handing Regina back to Colin, with the announcement that they had to return to their own family. Matinus... Nioma... the cottage... yes. That was her home now... not this place, not this man. Sanria could not keep herself from looking back until the door had closed behind them.
That night she admitted her feelings to Gilean, who seemed to take them in like a dry pill. She did love him, she did choose him, she would try her best... all words she'd spoken before. She felt the bitter resentment rise in her and all she wanted was to go out to spit once more on the grave of Velentham. Instead, Gilean settled her, made love to her, and once he slept, she crept from the bed, down the stairs and to the mound outside. "I hate you," she whispered. "You ruined my life." And Sanria began digging to claw at the corpse with her bare hands.
They arrived to be greeted by Colin with an infant in each arm. They were tiny, but beautiful, with a shock of purplish hair on their heads. As soon as Sanria and Gilean walked in, Sanria could feel the slow rise of tension. Colin had eyes only for her, and she knew the message he was trying to telepath - she'd seen it many times before. Seeing her was torture for him and each time they'd connect their eyes, she'd feel the undying devotion, the bittersweet longing for their life together that, now, they'd never have. She was shocked to feel the same sensation tugging at her chest. Colin seemed to reserve his smiles only for her, and stayed at her side, near enough that she could feel the warmth rolling from him.
If she could have, Sanria would have closed her eyes and drifted into the large arms. This had been their dream, to have him well so they could finally be together like they were so long ago, but it was cruel how life played the final card. As though he could sense it, Gilean came near, handing Regina back to Colin, with the announcement that they had to return to their own family. Matinus... Nioma... the cottage... yes. That was her home now... not this place, not this man. Sanria could not keep herself from looking back until the door had closed behind them.
That night she admitted her feelings to Gilean, who seemed to take them in like a dry pill. She did love him, she did choose him, she would try her best... all words she'd spoken before. She felt the bitter resentment rise in her and all she wanted was to go out to spit once more on the grave of Velentham. Instead, Gilean settled her, made love to her, and once he slept, she crept from the bed, down the stairs and to the mound outside. "I hate you," she whispered. "You ruined my life." And Sanria began digging to claw at the corpse with her bare hands.
Path of Least Resistance
Sanria stepped back to Gilean's side, looking at Orn and Mirin and the new children held in their arms. She took Gilean's hand in her own and felt nothing by way of acknowledgement. She maintained her smile until they got home, and after obligatory congratulations to the brand new grandfather, the conversation drifted to the child held within Sanria.
Gilean was ready to give up his faith, his station at the temple, to help her get rid of Velentham's child. He'd give up everything he'd worked for, his joy in helping others, to be at her side. Rather than make Sanria feel loved, it made her feel guilt. Though she'd been trying not to, Sanria had been spiraling down. More times than she careed to admit, she stood behind the cottage, glaring at the grave of her rapist, dark madness crowding in at the edges of her vision. And of equal concern was her nearly burning desire to dig him up and stab him over and over and...
No. She waited until Gilean slept and went to the small kitchen. She pulled out her herbs and whispered druidic spells over them, increasing the potency of the chemicals in their dried leaves. Pennyroyal was toxic enough, she knew, but the spell that would keep her from dying was stronger. She flooded herself with the mixture, a dose large enough to kill a horse, and staggered outside to sit on the barren hill of Velenham's grave.
She would not let Gilean destroy his living for her or the abomination she carried with her. She'd rid herself of the child, she'd drop it right on the grave. She'd go near death again, dragging Kaliadra with her, she knew - but they'd not cross the threshold just yet. They'd be able to cheat it while the thing in her would go the way of its father.
Kaliadra came storming out the cottage door as the sweat began to form on Sanria's brow. Sanria's vision was starting to swim, the pains of her stomach were beginning to grow, and she vomited onto the grave.
"What in the name of the Nine Hells did you do, Sanria?!"
"Had to... we'll be okay..."
"You idiot," the elf hissed. "I could have helped you!"
"No. You wouldn't."
The elf went into silence as she dropped to her knees, clutching her own stomach as though the abortion was her own as well. Sanria stared back at the grave and gave another wretch. She could feel everything as it happened. The blood flowed, the vomit rolled, and Sanria finally pitched forward. Gilean would find her soon, free from any wrong, and could do what duty he was born to do: healing.
Gilean was ready to give up his faith, his station at the temple, to help her get rid of Velentham's child. He'd give up everything he'd worked for, his joy in helping others, to be at her side. Rather than make Sanria feel loved, it made her feel guilt. Though she'd been trying not to, Sanria had been spiraling down. More times than she careed to admit, she stood behind the cottage, glaring at the grave of her rapist, dark madness crowding in at the edges of her vision. And of equal concern was her nearly burning desire to dig him up and stab him over and over and...
No. She waited until Gilean slept and went to the small kitchen. She pulled out her herbs and whispered druidic spells over them, increasing the potency of the chemicals in their dried leaves. Pennyroyal was toxic enough, she knew, but the spell that would keep her from dying was stronger. She flooded herself with the mixture, a dose large enough to kill a horse, and staggered outside to sit on the barren hill of Velenham's grave.
She would not let Gilean destroy his living for her or the abomination she carried with her. She'd rid herself of the child, she'd drop it right on the grave. She'd go near death again, dragging Kaliadra with her, she knew - but they'd not cross the threshold just yet. They'd be able to cheat it while the thing in her would go the way of its father.
Kaliadra came storming out the cottage door as the sweat began to form on Sanria's brow. Sanria's vision was starting to swim, the pains of her stomach were beginning to grow, and she vomited onto the grave.
"What in the name of the Nine Hells did you do, Sanria?!"
"Had to... we'll be okay..."
"You idiot," the elf hissed. "I could have helped you!"
"No. You wouldn't."
The elf went into silence as she dropped to her knees, clutching her own stomach as though the abortion was her own as well. Sanria stared back at the grave and gave another wretch. She could feel everything as it happened. The blood flowed, the vomit rolled, and Sanria finally pitched forward. Gilean would find her soon, free from any wrong, and could do what duty he was born to do: healing.
Time By the Fountain
The four lion-heads each spilled out from their roaring mouths, adding a melodic trickle to the distant din of the waterfall that poured into the lake far below. Enmach and Colin sat on the edge of the fountain, and Enmach listened as Colin spoke, feeling not at all guilty for her part in separating Sanria and Colin. "A part of me feels like I went on a trip and when I came back my friend had stolen my wife away," Colin said in reference to Gilean. "To be honest, Colin, we had no way of knowing you would return. Our people did all they could do for you, and had no other recourse left with the gaps in your memory. Sanria... you see... was beyond hurt by this."
"Well, it seems she found some comfort."
"She didn't want to. I pushed her to do so."
There was a moment's shock on Colin's face as he looked over at her, still, Enmach felt no remorse. "You... what?" "I pushed her to seek out Ror when he asked for her to join him on a midnight picnic. I did not disparage her when she found comfort in Gilean's arms, though I advised against such a quick marriage... She needed to move on, Colin."
"But I was back. Sanria and I even found ourselves together... Now I couldn't feel all she felt but..."
"Colin... she remembered everything, even all the hurt you caused her, and you could not. There was no comparison to what she remembered and what you didn't. It is hardly even when that is a consideration. I am sorry it upsets you. But I also saw the pain it caused her being near you."
"So now I get to be the one in pain, is that it?"
"I did not do this with the intention of harming you. In fact, our being together was a way for you to also see you could move on past not remembering."
"So you calculated that?"
"In part. Though I also found joy in it."
"Great," Colin said, and put his head in his hands.
"Why do you insist on seeing it negatively? Did you not enjoy our time together as I did?" Enmach said these words without a twinge of feeling. Her emotions could not be reached. They were not a necessary part to her conversation now.
"Well, yes, but now it just feels like it was at least partially
motivated by pity. Not exactly the best feeling."
"Pity? No. Education. You can still move on, Colin."
"What if I don't want to move on?"
"Then there will be hardships ahead for more than just yourself."
Enmach listened and spoke when appropriate. Colin wanted Sanria back, and from everything Sanria said about him, Colin wasn't one to give up. Not easily, at least. Though she, too, had dealings with Colin, she did not have a stake in his future. She could speak freely - reminding him of Gilean, Matinus, and Nioma, the family struggling to survive. She planted the seed of his moving on to someone else, Kaliadra perhaps. What Enmach saw, however, was a man beside himself. She had no blame to place.
"Well, it seems she found some comfort."
"She didn't want to. I pushed her to do so."
There was a moment's shock on Colin's face as he looked over at her, still, Enmach felt no remorse. "You... what?" "I pushed her to seek out Ror when he asked for her to join him on a midnight picnic. I did not disparage her when she found comfort in Gilean's arms, though I advised against such a quick marriage... She needed to move on, Colin."
"But I was back. Sanria and I even found ourselves together... Now I couldn't feel all she felt but..."
"Colin... she remembered everything, even all the hurt you caused her, and you could not. There was no comparison to what she remembered and what you didn't. It is hardly even when that is a consideration. I am sorry it upsets you. But I also saw the pain it caused her being near you."
"So now I get to be the one in pain, is that it?"
"I did not do this with the intention of harming you. In fact, our being together was a way for you to also see you could move on past not remembering."
"So you calculated that?"
"In part. Though I also found joy in it."
"Great," Colin said, and put his head in his hands.
"Why do you insist on seeing it negatively? Did you not enjoy our time together as I did?" Enmach said these words without a twinge of feeling. Her emotions could not be reached. They were not a necessary part to her conversation now.
"Well, yes, but now it just feels like it was at least partially
motivated by pity. Not exactly the best feeling."
"Pity? No. Education. You can still move on, Colin."
"What if I don't want to move on?"
"Then there will be hardships ahead for more than just yourself."
Enmach listened and spoke when appropriate. Colin wanted Sanria back, and from everything Sanria said about him, Colin wasn't one to give up. Not easily, at least. Though she, too, had dealings with Colin, she did not have a stake in his future. She could speak freely - reminding him of Gilean, Matinus, and Nioma, the family struggling to survive. She planted the seed of his moving on to someone else, Kaliadra perhaps. What Enmach saw, however, was a man beside himself. She had no blame to place.
Chasing Rainbows
Sanria woke to a cool side of the bed, slightly indented, a small note atop Gilean's pillow: "Didn't want to disturb you, took the kids to the temple, enjoy some alone time." She rose and wrapped herself in a housecoat. Even Kaliadra was nowhere to be found.
After standing a long time staring at Nioma's small bed, Sanria wandered to the back of the cottage. She then passed time staring between the grave of her long dead daughter, Emalia, and the fresh mound of earth under which lay the father of her unborn. She stared again for long moments, her mind threatening to knock her to her knees, then spit on the grave. It did nothing to alleviate the sick feeling inside knowing that Velentham would forever be right outside her door.
She went back inside and dressed, appearing at the castle. Things here were exactly as they had always been. It seemed no one knew of her absence, save Enmach, who delightedly hugged her and congratulated her for being back. "Are you certain you should be here already?" Enmach asked with a concerned look. "You only just returned. It may be best if you return home." Sanria could tell by the tone of her voice it wasn't truly a question.
By herself in the cottage, looking into a fire, Sanria felt the tears welling up in her eyes. 'Pregnancy hormones,' she thought, but knew it was more than that. She, for the first time, was able to sit and dwell on what had been done to her. There were no distractions from her own mind and its recollections.
Before she had the chance to shed a tear, however, the sounds of music reached Sanria's ears. She held her breath as the sounds of voices were heard, harmonizing a refrain:
"I doth not want to live without thine love,
I doth not want to face the night alone,
I couldest not make it through mine life,
If I must hath make it on mine own..."
After standing a long time staring at Nioma's small bed, Sanria wandered to the back of the cottage. She then passed time staring between the grave of her long dead daughter, Emalia, and the fresh mound of earth under which lay the father of her unborn. She stared again for long moments, her mind threatening to knock her to her knees, then spit on the grave. It did nothing to alleviate the sick feeling inside knowing that Velentham would forever be right outside her door.
She went back inside and dressed, appearing at the castle. Things here were exactly as they had always been. It seemed no one knew of her absence, save Enmach, who delightedly hugged her and congratulated her for being back. "Are you certain you should be here already?" Enmach asked with a concerned look. "You only just returned. It may be best if you return home." Sanria could tell by the tone of her voice it wasn't truly a question.
By herself in the cottage, looking into a fire, Sanria felt the tears welling up in her eyes. 'Pregnancy hormones,' she thought, but knew it was more than that. She, for the first time, was able to sit and dwell on what had been done to her. There were no distractions from her own mind and its recollections.
Before she had the chance to shed a tear, however, the sounds of music reached Sanria's ears. She held her breath as the sounds of voices were heard, harmonizing a refrain:
"I doth not want to live without thine love,
I doth not want to face the night alone,
I couldest not make it through mine life,
If I must hath make it on mine own..."
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