Arlenia stared out over the ocean with tears rolling down her face. She seemed to do a lot of crying lately - hormones, Banion told her, but it was more like heartache. She had waited for Colin to come back to her, to choose her since she was pregnant with his child. Instead he had come to tell her that while he didn't want her, he wanted to be part of the child's life. It made her sick. How dare he decide he was going to just come when he wanted. Pop in to say hello, no matter whether she had moved on or not. Worse, Sanria had sent him. Seemed that woman could ask him to do anything and he'd do it - regardless of the fact she didn't even want to be with him.
There wasn't much to move on to - she could admit that. Sam, one of the soldiers on the island, was trying like mad to marry her, but he was a crass idiot with no honor or dignity. She wanted Colin, but after this last visit, she knew that it was no more than a distant dream on a distant shore in a distant time. She wouldn't suffer any part of him.
Arlenia had threatened to go to Banion to terminate the pregnancy. She knew she couldn't have done it, but it satisfied her to see the agony on Colin's face. Let him hurt for a change. At last, she had gotten him to agree to taking the child once it was born. She would separate her heart from the one that grew inside of her. As soon as the baby was out, she would ship it like cargo to its father and let it grow up with him. She'd never have to see Colin again, and he'd have permanent visitation.
She watched the clipper head back out to sea carrying Colin aboard its decks. She flipped the bird to the ship, waving her hand back and forth in wide arcs. She'd learned the gesture on her travels. One thing she'd retained. She knew Colin couldn't see it, but she hoped he did. She took in a deep lungful of air and screamed toward the ship, "SCREW YOU, COLIN STONE!" Arlenia collapsed into a sobbing heap.
Trip
She hadn't managed to get the stick to work since they'd left the Grove. It disheartened her a bit, for through that stick was her opportunity to not only speak through nature, but to speak to the little boy that she now knew, beyond all doubt, was her son. She felt close to him, and the little boy appeared to thrive under the newfound adoration showered on him by his mother. She even felt closer to Colin, as if she somehow knew that because they, together, had created the little boy, they, too, belonged.
She had decided to wear the wedding band, to be Colin's wife and Orn's mother, even if she couldn't remember the wedding or the birth. The decision put an absolute look of elation on Colin's face and it warmed her. All that remained was for him to visit with Arlenia and to work on the final piece of the puzzle. She busied herself with secretly gathering information, buying his passage, and packing Colin's things. That night, she slept soundly - disturbed only by a single dream where a pair of disembodied glowing green eyes peered down on her.
The next day, Colin was not pleased, but seemed to calm himself under the realization that she had redevoted herself to him and their son. The trip was no ruse or an attempt to shove him back with Arlenia. He left bogged down with more packs than he probably needed and Sanria looked down at Orn with a smile. "It's just us, now. I think we'll go outside."
She picked up the little boy and wandered out to the stream, sitting beneath a pine that leaned precariously out over the water. She watched as the little boy crawled toward the water and sat splashing happily in the stream, a contented smile on her face. Colin's interpretation of her dream came back in an echo. "Throm had green eyes..." She just didn't remember this man or whether the eyes in her dream were the same. She pushed the thought from her mind as soon as Orn toppled into the water. Chuckling, she lifted the boy into her arms, getting herself sopping wet in an attempt to make the child laugh once more.
She had decided to wear the wedding band, to be Colin's wife and Orn's mother, even if she couldn't remember the wedding or the birth. The decision put an absolute look of elation on Colin's face and it warmed her. All that remained was for him to visit with Arlenia and to work on the final piece of the puzzle. She busied herself with secretly gathering information, buying his passage, and packing Colin's things. That night, she slept soundly - disturbed only by a single dream where a pair of disembodied glowing green eyes peered down on her.
The next day, Colin was not pleased, but seemed to calm himself under the realization that she had redevoted herself to him and their son. The trip was no ruse or an attempt to shove him back with Arlenia. He left bogged down with more packs than he probably needed and Sanria looked down at Orn with a smile. "It's just us, now. I think we'll go outside."
She picked up the little boy and wandered out to the stream, sitting beneath a pine that leaned precariously out over the water. She watched as the little boy crawled toward the water and sat splashing happily in the stream, a contented smile on her face. Colin's interpretation of her dream came back in an echo. "Throm had green eyes..." She just didn't remember this man or whether the eyes in her dream were the same. She pushed the thought from her mind as soon as Orn toppled into the water. Chuckling, she lifted the boy into her arms, getting herself sopping wet in an attempt to make the child laugh once more.
Oak
The walk to the Grove was pleasant. It seemed whenever she got the chance to be outside, the very air calmed her, and when they strode through the forest, the scent of pine and loam relaxed her to the core. The Grove was even more calming and soothing, the appearance of an Elder Druid the only thing that momentarily set her on edge. "The Family Stone. Welcome."
Colin told the Elder Druid what had come to pass and also informed him that he wanted to check on Orn's abilities or lack thereof. With a gentle demeanor, the Druid took Orn over to a very stout oak and placed a hand upon it. She watched as the little boy who at once was laughing and squealing went into a sudden hush. "He hears the music of the ancients." Both the Druid and the boy laughed, hearing something only they shared. It tugged at Sanria knowing she once had that ability.
After determining Orn did have magical abilities, the Druid focused on her. He took her to the oak, chanting, and placing her hand upon it. While she felt nothing, the Druid was able to assess her. And it appeared she had homework. "You chant this upon every walk you take, it is the thanks and offerings to the many trees. If you can speak to them, you will learn all you ever need know." The Druid handed her a leaf upon which was scrawled an enchantment. It wasn't enough.
"What about my memories," she asked.
"There are some blessings we should be grateful for - and this - so says the venerable oak - is one of those. You had a heavy heart. Take comfort in the lightness you've been granted. Let the present be the present and look not to the past for definition. You have been given a gift. Take it and make the most of it. All else will fall into place in time."
It wasn't what she had hoped for. The Druid stopped by Orn and knelt down to the boy. With a chant, he handed Orn a stick which sent the tiny boy into peals of squealing ecstasy. With a farewell, the Druid disappeared. None of this was what was supposed to be happening. This trip was supposed to be her answer and help her, not leave her more confused.
Orn suddenly held out his stick, babbling to her. She gave a meek smile and reached up, taking hold of it. In shock, she heard the little baby as clearly as if he had spoken aloud, 'Mama share Orn stick!'
'Mama?' she asked, staring at the boy who just as seriously stared back at her. Suddenly he broke into a smile so much like his father's.
'Mama! Orn mama.!'
A sudden warmth flooded her, as though for the first time she saw clearly that this was her son. Colin was his father. She was his mother. All the times of feeling as though she didn't belong. It was a warmth breaking through the chill, light in the darkness. She looked at Colin with a deep grin. "He is my son..."
"Yes," Colin said, smiling back. "He is."
Colin told the Elder Druid what had come to pass and also informed him that he wanted to check on Orn's abilities or lack thereof. With a gentle demeanor, the Druid took Orn over to a very stout oak and placed a hand upon it. She watched as the little boy who at once was laughing and squealing went into a sudden hush. "He hears the music of the ancients." Both the Druid and the boy laughed, hearing something only they shared. It tugged at Sanria knowing she once had that ability.
After determining Orn did have magical abilities, the Druid focused on her. He took her to the oak, chanting, and placing her hand upon it. While she felt nothing, the Druid was able to assess her. And it appeared she had homework. "You chant this upon every walk you take, it is the thanks and offerings to the many trees. If you can speak to them, you will learn all you ever need know." The Druid handed her a leaf upon which was scrawled an enchantment. It wasn't enough.
"What about my memories," she asked.
"There are some blessings we should be grateful for - and this - so says the venerable oak - is one of those. You had a heavy heart. Take comfort in the lightness you've been granted. Let the present be the present and look not to the past for definition. You have been given a gift. Take it and make the most of it. All else will fall into place in time."
It wasn't what she had hoped for. The Druid stopped by Orn and knelt down to the boy. With a chant, he handed Orn a stick which sent the tiny boy into peals of squealing ecstasy. With a farewell, the Druid disappeared. None of this was what was supposed to be happening. This trip was supposed to be her answer and help her, not leave her more confused.
Orn suddenly held out his stick, babbling to her. She gave a meek smile and reached up, taking hold of it. In shock, she heard the little baby as clearly as if he had spoken aloud, 'Mama share Orn stick!'
'Mama?' she asked, staring at the boy who just as seriously stared back at her. Suddenly he broke into a smile so much like his father's.
'Mama! Orn mama.!'
A sudden warmth flooded her, as though for the first time she saw clearly that this was her son. Colin was his father. She was his mother. All the times of feeling as though she didn't belong. It was a warmth breaking through the chill, light in the darkness. She looked at Colin with a deep grin. "He is my son..."
"Yes," Colin said, smiling back. "He is."
Orn
The next day she found Colin already in the kitchen with Orn. The boy sat in his highchair, attempting to feed himself. Greeted with a cheerful, "good morning," she went about the business of trying to discover a good tea to drink. This woman had so many jars of so many herbs and spices it was mindboggling. She slid one toward her that sounded particularly fancy, 'Pennyroyal Tea.' "Is this tea good?" She held the jar out to Colin.
"You, um, mainly used it as part of a process to prevent pregnancy. It wasn't ex- actly a regular drinker."
"Oh... that's something that I hadn't... ah... hadn't really thought about." She may not have remembered Colin, but her body certainly had...
"Yeah, I guess I hadn't really either. That was something you normally did on your own."
"Well, I can't exactly cast spells. So... looks like nightly visits are out until I can."
"You can't work magic anymore?"
She shook her head. "I know I should know how but... nothing."
"Well... maybe we should take a trip to the druid grove."
Colin filled her in on the Druid's Grove and she found herself wondering more about the woman, Sanria. She had grown up in the Grove, she had lost a child in the grove... and the idea of losing children and having children brought her back around to Arlenia. It seemed a little bit of a sore topic because it inevitably brought them around to discussing why Colin wasn't trying to make a family with Arlenia. The inevitable answer being, "So long as I can't return her affections the way she deserves... I just can't feel right being in a relationship with her."
"Now that I'm no longer in the way, maybe you should learn to love that Arlenia girl and be a family. You could take Orn and you could learn to love her... well, let yourself."
"Sanria... if that was where I wanted to be, that is where I would be. I'm not here because I feel trapped here."
"I'm not saying you do. Or that you are... But I know you have a child on the way and well... with all the foolishness that is life, why not go for it and not let anything stand in your way?"
"Sanria, that _is_ what I'm doing."
"I don't understand... she's pregnant with your child. I'm not. I... don't even know you."
"You are the woman I love... and we do have a child. And I know you don't know me, but you are getting to."
She couldn't understand why this man kept claiming to be in love with her, and she argued the point - he was in love with a memory. She had nothing, not even a recollection of her last name ("Stone" he informed her). It wouldn't do. She didn't feel comfortable playing into his delusion. She would just have to leave the cavern and stay elsewhere like she'd originally planned.
The whole discussion went downhill quickly and when Colin discerned her plan, he simply looked dejected and cowed. She felt her heart tugged strongly at the large man, hanging his head and the little boy coated in oatmeal and asleep in the remainder of his breakfast. She sat down once more and was treated to the story of Colin being infused with black makou and just how bad things were for him when she wasn't around. She sat listening and thinking - was this really terrible? A man who clearly adored her, a little boy who was supposedly her son... what did it matter to her? She could simply stay in the guest room and help Colin remain calm. It would cost her nothing, really.
"You, um, mainly used it as part of a process to prevent pregnancy. It wasn't ex- actly a regular drinker."
"Oh... that's something that I hadn't... ah... hadn't really thought about." She may not have remembered Colin, but her body certainly had...
"Yeah, I guess I hadn't really either. That was something you normally did on your own."
"Well, I can't exactly cast spells. So... looks like nightly visits are out until I can."
"You can't work magic anymore?"
She shook her head. "I know I should know how but... nothing."
"Well... maybe we should take a trip to the druid grove."
Colin filled her in on the Druid's Grove and she found herself wondering more about the woman, Sanria. She had grown up in the Grove, she had lost a child in the grove... and the idea of losing children and having children brought her back around to Arlenia. It seemed a little bit of a sore topic because it inevitably brought them around to discussing why Colin wasn't trying to make a family with Arlenia. The inevitable answer being, "So long as I can't return her affections the way she deserves... I just can't feel right being in a relationship with her."
"Now that I'm no longer in the way, maybe you should learn to love that Arlenia girl and be a family. You could take Orn and you could learn to love her... well, let yourself."
"Sanria... if that was where I wanted to be, that is where I would be. I'm not here because I feel trapped here."
"I'm not saying you do. Or that you are... But I know you have a child on the way and well... with all the foolishness that is life, why not go for it and not let anything stand in your way?"
"Sanria, that _is_ what I'm doing."
"I don't understand... she's pregnant with your child. I'm not. I... don't even know you."
"You are the woman I love... and we do have a child. And I know you don't know me, but you are getting to."
She couldn't understand why this man kept claiming to be in love with her, and she argued the point - he was in love with a memory. She had nothing, not even a recollection of her last name ("Stone" he informed her). It wouldn't do. She didn't feel comfortable playing into his delusion. She would just have to leave the cavern and stay elsewhere like she'd originally planned.
The whole discussion went downhill quickly and when Colin discerned her plan, he simply looked dejected and cowed. She felt her heart tugged strongly at the large man, hanging his head and the little boy coated in oatmeal and asleep in the remainder of his breakfast. She sat down once more and was treated to the story of Colin being infused with black makou and just how bad things were for him when she wasn't around. She sat listening and thinking - was this really terrible? A man who clearly adored her, a little boy who was supposedly her son... what did it matter to her? She could simply stay in the guest room and help Colin remain calm. It would cost her nothing, really.
Stream
At the sight of the pitying look on the priest's face, she sobbed. "I don't even know where to begin... what to take... what she wore or used or..."
"You just take what feels right to you. You don't have to try to be someone else... you are still the same person."
"I don't need any of this..." she said, her irritation eclipsing her better judgment. "I can just go."
"No, please," Colin said. "Maybe you just need to get out for a while. The woods here are beautiful. Maybe we can just get out and take a walk."
Gilean stayed behind with Orn as she followed Colin out to the stream beside the cavern. It was nice to walk behind him, no eyes upon her expectantly, no questions directed toward her. The musky scent of fallen pine needles forced her to relax and the forest seemed to speak to her in the tones of the babble of water over stone. Her mood lifted considerably and a clarity came into her mind. Nature somehow made everything alright.
They finally sat by the stream and simply chatted. Colin told her about her past husbands, her children, his indiscretion with Arlenia, her planar travels, her relationship with Throm, and even about her granddaughter. The entirety of the life of Sanria sounded foolish - a trial that struck her as absurdly hilarious. Far from being burdened, the twisted spiral forced from her a peal of laughter that had her rolling about on the forest floor holding her sides. "You aren't so bad when you're not taking blame for everything under the sun," she finally managed to chuckle out.
"Thank you for not running away screaming."
"Well, according to that Gilemen fellow, I did do that. Killed myself, too."
She sat up, the debris of the forest clinging to her wavy hair. She didn't notice until she looked up and saw Colin gazing on her. "And that's you... right there," he said with a whisper. They left the side of the stream and went back inside. She would stay at the cavern because for whatever reason, hearing of her past life somehow set her at ease. She may not be able to remember it, but at least she knew about it. The darkness finally didn't seem so formidable.
"You just take what feels right to you. You don't have to try to be someone else... you are still the same person."
"I don't need any of this..." she said, her irritation eclipsing her better judgment. "I can just go."
"No, please," Colin said. "Maybe you just need to get out for a while. The woods here are beautiful. Maybe we can just get out and take a walk."
Gilean stayed behind with Orn as she followed Colin out to the stream beside the cavern. It was nice to walk behind him, no eyes upon her expectantly, no questions directed toward her. The musky scent of fallen pine needles forced her to relax and the forest seemed to speak to her in the tones of the babble of water over stone. Her mood lifted considerably and a clarity came into her mind. Nature somehow made everything alright.
They finally sat by the stream and simply chatted. Colin told her about her past husbands, her children, his indiscretion with Arlenia, her planar travels, her relationship with Throm, and even about her granddaughter. The entirety of the life of Sanria sounded foolish - a trial that struck her as absurdly hilarious. Far from being burdened, the twisted spiral forced from her a peal of laughter that had her rolling about on the forest floor holding her sides. "You aren't so bad when you're not taking blame for everything under the sun," she finally managed to chuckle out.
"Thank you for not running away screaming."
"Well, according to that Gilemen fellow, I did do that. Killed myself, too."
She sat up, the debris of the forest clinging to her wavy hair. She didn't notice until she looked up and saw Colin gazing on her. "And that's you... right there," he said with a whisper. They left the side of the stream and went back inside. She would stay at the cavern because for whatever reason, hearing of her past life somehow set her at ease. She may not be able to remember it, but at least she knew about it. The darkness finally didn't seem so formidable.
Packing
She woke up before Colin and walked out onto the balcony. She watched the sun crest over the land to the east, its fingers stretching over the forest as though it were clawing to rise from the ground. She listened as the silence of night vanished beneath the chattering and chirping of the squirrels and birds. She could barely make out some buildings to the west - a city perhaps - but she didn't know. She didn't know anything.
"Oh, there you are," Colin said. "Good morning."
"Good morning..." she managed.
"Um... last night..."
"I think that it was a sign. I should not be here."
"But you do... I know you can't remember. But this is where you belong."
"No. Sanria belongs here. I don't know who I am, but I'm not Sanria."
Colin seemed desperate, but no matter what he said, she didn't listen. She simply couldn't stay and be expected to behave like this woman who was nowhere to be found. It frustrated her just how much the man wanted to accept blame - as though her choice to go away was his fault. He couldn't understand what it was like to come "home" to a place that remembered you as someone else - a someone you never had met and never knew.
She walked into the bedroom, finally gaining agreement that she would stay in the nearby town, and readied to pack. It hit her suddenly and with brutally crushing swiftness that she had no idea what to take. She had no idea where anything was. She was utterly helpless in this life.
Colin offered her a bag and she began throwing things in. Brushes, combs, robes, sashes, bottles of this or that - she had no idea what went into the bag and didn't stop until she heard Gilean's voice at the bedroom door. "Are... you going somewhere?"
"Oh, there you are," Colin said. "Good morning."
"Good morning..." she managed.
"Um... last night..."
"I think that it was a sign. I should not be here."
"But you do... I know you can't remember. But this is where you belong."
"No. Sanria belongs here. I don't know who I am, but I'm not Sanria."
Colin seemed desperate, but no matter what he said, she didn't listen. She simply couldn't stay and be expected to behave like this woman who was nowhere to be found. It frustrated her just how much the man wanted to accept blame - as though her choice to go away was his fault. He couldn't understand what it was like to come "home" to a place that remembered you as someone else - a someone you never had met and never knew.
She walked into the bedroom, finally gaining agreement that she would stay in the nearby town, and readied to pack. It hit her suddenly and with brutally crushing swiftness that she had no idea what to take. She had no idea where anything was. She was utterly helpless in this life.
Colin offered her a bag and she began throwing things in. Brushes, combs, robes, sashes, bottles of this or that - she had no idea what went into the bag and didn't stop until she heard Gilean's voice at the bedroom door. "Are... you going somewhere?"
White Wolf Visited
I can't say what possessed the priest to visit me other than his own guilt. I believe there is a lot of that surrounding this whole wretched situation. In any case, the Lathanderite tracked me to my cave and had the audacity to offer me better accommodations. Hah.
He seemed desperate to help in any case. I told him the story of Sanria and why my situation is a welcome one. To be able to release myself from feeling what Sanria feels, yet still offer her life in repayment for the one I took allows me relief while still upholding the honor of my people and myself.
He tried bringing up Lithanus as if the boy would make me come back from my exile. He didn't seem to understand that Lithanus feels no special emotion for me. In fact, the priest seemed almost shocked to know that I had informed Lithanus of my exile. There is no one out there awaiting my return and in that I feel some measure of comfort. When none rely upon you, mistakes lose their power and become as substantial as a breeze through the forest.
No more thinking. The hunt calls and I'd rather hear my stomach over the issues of the past.
He seemed desperate to help in any case. I told him the story of Sanria and why my situation is a welcome one. To be able to release myself from feeling what Sanria feels, yet still offer her life in repayment for the one I took allows me relief while still upholding the honor of my people and myself.
He tried bringing up Lithanus as if the boy would make me come back from my exile. He didn't seem to understand that Lithanus feels no special emotion for me. In fact, the priest seemed almost shocked to know that I had informed Lithanus of my exile. There is no one out there awaiting my return and in that I feel some measure of comfort. When none rely upon you, mistakes lose their power and become as substantial as a breeze through the forest.
No more thinking. The hunt calls and I'd rather hear my stomach over the issues of the past.
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