Sanria smiled as Matinus read aloud. Since she'd been back, she'd spent little time with the boy. In fact, she'd spent little time with either of the children. Somehow, though, even with everything now back to normal, she felt a gulf of a distance, and it was growing. She had Nioma, from whom she felt a tad disjointed; Matinus, who adored her but still left Sanria feeling separate; and a baby on the way for yet a third time. The baby. How many times had she lost a child now? She did the quick math in her mind... five. Death seemed to be a companion of Sanria's.
She held Nioma in her lap now - the girl having squirmed up to listen to Matinus read - and thought over her relationship with Gilean. Enmach warned her against getting married so fast, yet she'd done it anyway, and had found a measure of happiness. She loved Gilean, she tried to remind herself, but the truth was... he'd been perfectly what she'd needed. Had Colin gone on as he was, no memories, she'd have continued to grow in her love with Gilean. Now, however, she felt Colin's gravity pulling and she didn't want to fight it. She wanted to go home where everything was right... but was it?
A sigh escaped her and Matinus paused. The boy seemed alert to any passing emotion, as though he knew how to tread softly the minefield of the heart to best protect himself and others. She smiled, and he smiled in return, then resumed reading. Sanria shook her head. She loved Matinus.She loved Nioma. She loved Gilean. This was her home, now. This was her life. No matter what she thought or felt about Colin, she couldn't go back to him. She would have to find a way to stop her heart from wishing itself everywhere but here.
Sanria made up her mind in that moment, for better or worse. She would push the emotions she felt for Colin onto Gilean. The bittersweet love would have to shift. As if on cue, Gilean entered the room and she caught his expression of bliss. He, right now, had everything he wanted. She was part of his greatest joy. He looked over at her, his face a warm smile. This was something she had to do. She looked at him and smiled in return.
